Still waiting…

I’m still waiting for results from the urine sample taken during my cystoscopy December 16th. Did it show cancer cells or was it inconclusive? Either way there are going to be some major decisions I’ll have to make. Surgery? Chemo? What to do about the kidney not draining…and the questions go on & on. I managed to hold myself back from doing any internet research until after New Year’s Eve because that’s my “Scroogiest” time of the year. I was TRYING so hard to be in a good mood, but I know I was snippy. We had friends over for supper and just hung out visiting and watching the Canada/USA game from the World Junior Hockey Championships here in Saskatoon. (YAY Canada! What a game!!) I found myself snapping at my husband a few times. If you ask him it was likely more than a few. I feel so bad for the way I react and how it makes him feel. I wish I could just keep my big yap SHUT and try to be calm, serene and happy-go-lucky. Well, that’s not really “me” when I’m anxious and tense. I get wound up and who knows what’s gonna come flying out of my mouth. My husband deserves a medal for putting up with me for the last 9 years of cancer. I’m sure the other 11 weren’t always a cake-walk either Living with a woman isn’t an easy thing. But hey…living with a man isn’t easy either!

We had a lovely champagne toast at midnight, a great visit, and lots of laughs with our friends but when they were counting down to midnight with the folks on TV I was not counting along. I was sitting on the couch with my eyes glazed over. Or perhaps they were burning a look of evil and hatred toward the television. I can’t recall for sure, but I know I wasn’t happy. I dragged my ass off the couch, pasted on a smile and toasted with them, as it would be exceptionally rude not to…and I wanted my champagne! I don’t drink anymore because alcohol is extremely hard on the liver and my liver has had cancer in it so I want to keep it as healthy as possible, BUT I did have some lovely Brut champagne that wasn’t too bubbly or too dry, and tasted mighty fine with some really dark chocolate We had some different cheeses I’d picked up at the Bulk Cheese Warehouse, nibbled on cookies and chocolates all night and just relaxed.  After the stress I’ve been going through I felt I deserved a bit of bubbly. Mind you, the non-alcoholic President’s Choice mocktail Mojito’s were very tasty earlier in the evening!

Earlier in the day my husband asked how I felt about asking some of our neighbor friends over later on in the evening. He was SO wonderful about how he phrased it, and didn’t show any disappointment when I told him I just wanted to keep it to the four of us. I didn’t want to have to “entertain” and the couple we’d invited over know my current situation and that New Year’s isn’t my best time. I’m comfortable in telling them how I feel and they completely understand when I’m a bear with all that’s going on right now. (perhaps they have bear spray on hand in case I get out of control?!)

Tonight I couldn’t hold back any longer. I spent most of the night on-line researching kidney “stuff” and of course found myself crying a bit and getting bent out of shape and pissed off. This is just what I did NOT want to do! My plan has been to try and remain calm until we know for SURE what is going on. However, I read some things that upset me and now I have to find my way back to serenity. Might be time for another valium….

My husband came upstairs and I told him what I’d discovered and why I was so upset. God, please bless this man I married. He’s the cat’s pyjama’s (ie: awesome).  He stayed calm and reminded me there was no reason to get bent out of shape until we know for SURE what’s going on. After talking it out, and now writing it out, I feel better. There’s still a twinge of anxiety there - gnawing away at my heart - but I’m going to grab my new Marian Keyes novel and transport myself into someone else’s life, and then hopefully drift off into a night of deep sleep. I will meditate beforehand that “I will NOT have any cancer dreams tonight” and hope it works. And I’ll also hope that maybe tomorrow I’ll be in a better frame of mind and actually get my lard-ass off the couch and do something, anything other than feeling sorry for myself and being afraid of things that are still unknown.