SAD (seasonal and dejected)

Right about now I should be happy and excited. I’ll soon celebrate my landmark birthday and also go on a warm winter holiday. For some reason all I seem to be able to do is wallow in sadness. All it takes is a memory, a realization, and I’m in a funk. It could be a nasty case of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Maybe I’m just seasonal and dejected. It seems like years since I’ve felt the sun on my face. Spending the entire winter indoors doesn’t help, but I admit that winter is my worst time of year. I’m a big lazy-ass who can’t get my butt out of bed, much less get my butt out of the house. Once I get out I feel so much better. That’s the hardest part – getting my ass out of bed/off the couch and out the door.

I forced myself to leave the house last week and went to the mall two days in a row. Mostly to do some walking where I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about slipping on ice, but also to do some “preliminary shopping”. I cruise the mall checking out the stores and the window displays thinking about where I might want to spend my money. Well, technically it’s not money. It’s gift cards from Christmas and I can’t just dive in and use them right away. I have to make the enjoyment last and think seriously about what I might want to use the gift card for. It felt good to get out of the house, grab a big Booster Juice and then hit the mall to walk some laps and window gawk. Of course I couldn’t go into any stores until I finished my massive Pomegranate Punch (one of the high protein Booster Juices on the menu) because food and drinks aren’t allowed inside clothing stores. It was a good thing too because I wouldn’t have done as much walking as I should have if it wasn’t for the Booster Juice in my mitt.

Getting out of the house helped my mood immensely but now I’m back at spending time indoors after a weekend blizzard blanketed us with over 8 inches of heavy snow. I did venture out of the house for a bit today (Monday Jan 25^th) but only because the fridge was almost completely bare and we needed food. The best part of the day was having some fun with my 4 x 4 in the snow. Now that is something that is guaranteed to put a smile on my face!

I guess I’ll just spit out what has been dragging me down. Firstly, I found out yesterday that one of my new breast cancer friends is going through hell right now. I’ve written about Tasha and Ryan before, but if you haven’t read about them before here’s a little bit of info. Ryan was a pilot and he’s been fighting brain cancer for the last 12 and a half years. Tasha has battled breast cancer (more than once) at a very young age. They are married, have a gorgeous little boy and Ryan’s health took a drastic turn around Christmas/New Year’s. There is nothing more they can do for him and it appears as though the cancer may be winning. I went to Ryan’s blog yesterday and as soon as I saw the title my heart sank. He’s moving to a hospice. At this point he’s still doing very well, but things could change quickly and he needs to be in a place that is safe for him. I’m so moved by Ryan’s writing and how he is feeling, mostly because he is so strong and positive. He admits to being “pissed off” but he has accepted what is most likely going to happen and his wisdom amazes me. I can’t even begin to think about how his wife must be feeling. Reading her blog gives me a sense of it and I think the part that went straight to my heart is thinking that after today she won’t have her husband beside her in bed when she wakes up in the morning.  She has to also deal with all these emotions and changes while being a mom and helping her son through this difficult time too. I’m in awe of her strength and my heart goes out to her.

And today, January 25^th marks one year since the passing of my friend Angie Sather. She lost her battle with breast cancer exactly one year ago at the age of only 32. I still can’t believe she’s gone and what I miss the most is being able to pick up the phone and call her when I’m going through a tough time. And boy do I miss that smile. Angie had the most beautiful smile. I miss her so much and words just can’t adequately explain it. She was there for me in a way that no one ever has been before, and I hope I was able to do the same for her. Even though we didn’t know each other for long, or very well for that matter, we were able to be there for each other during the hardest times. We had each other to call when we needed someone to talk to (which, translated, actually means listen to) about the roughest parts emotionally and physically. Metastatic breast cancer takes such a toll on your physical and mental being and to have someone who really gets what you’re going through is invaluable.  I don’t know if she noticed a pattern in when I called her, but I noticed that she often called me on Sunday nights. We’d be on our way back to the city from a weekend of camping and my cell phone would ring. Angie would be on the line and we’d talk, or I would just listen, for as long as she needed me. To have someone who will do that for you means more than almost anything. It didn’t matter when I called her…she was always there for me too. It went both ways with us and we were able to help each other through some pretty tough times. I’ll never stop missing her, and I’m glad she was in my life. Even though it hurts to lose a friend like her I wouldn’t change a thing because I had the gift of knowing her even for just a little while and she helped me so much through some extremely difficult parts of my cancer battle. I’m thankful for the time she was in my life.

Now that I’ve got what’s been eating me up spilled out on the page I can move on to something much better.

On February 7^th, 2010 I will make it to an age I never thought possible when I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer almost ten years ago. I learned early in my diagnosis that the median survival rate for someone like me with widespread breast cancer is 2.5 years. Initially I thought I’d be happy to make it through 2 and a half years but very quickly I made a personal goal. My goal was to live to be 45 years old. I’ll reach that goal very soon and it’s going to be the best birthday ever. I told my husband I didn’t want a gift this year because making it to 45 was really the only gift I need, along with him being by my side to celebrate it. Normally I’d want him to ignore my request and get me a present, but this time all I really want is to spend that day with him and soak up every single moment of it. That has become even clearer to me knowing what Ryan and Tasha are going through.

It’s a goal no one thought was possible but somehow I’ve been lucky enough to receive. It’s no longer a goal – it’s a gift. A gift of ten more years with my husband, my family, and my friends. What more could anyone ever want?