Missing Warriors

 Well, this is definitely a post about LOSS. My husband came up with the name for my blog “Laughs, Loves & Losses” and I knew instantly it was the right name because I’ve had a lot of all three. In the last several months I’ve had a lot of losses, but two of them were especially hard to deal with. In September my friend Joanne lost her battle to breast cancer. Jo was only 39, with a husband and 8 year old son. They’ve had to go through a lot of “firsts” in the last few months….the first Christmas without mommy, the first New Year’s without mommy, first Valentine’s without mommy, and now mommy’s first birthday after she died. It breaks my heart and I can’t even begin to imagine everything her family has had to go through. Today is Joanne’s birthday. She would have been 40. I still remember the first day we met as if it were yesterday. Both of us hooked up to I.V. bags, getting our treatment. I spotted a pink ribbon on her purse and our friendship started. I went to see her in the hospital before she died and she was still fighting tooth and nail - she never gave up fighting.

In early January my friend Angie lost her battle with breast cancer at the young age of 32. I’ve never met anyone like Angie. That girl went to hell & back and kept right on smiling, and for the most part thinking positive and living her life to the fullest. She has set a great example for me, as I continue to live with this disease that has taken so many of my friends. I have to be honest and say that I still have not accepted the fact that she is gone. I’m just keeping the mind-set that she’s still here with me, which she is. What really hurts is that I can’t grab the phone and call her when I need her.  She was such a good listener, and even though she was going through pure hell she was concerned about me. That’s a true friend.

So many times I hear women bitching about getting older or not wanting to hit a “milestone” birthday and it makes me growl with irritation. For women like me, and Joanne & Angie….every single birthday is SO very important. When I was first diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer at the age of 35, I found out that the median survival rate for someone with cancer as widespread as mine was 2.5 years. All I wanted was to make it to another birthday, and then another….and maybe even make it to 45 (which is now only 1 year away). It’s been over 8 years since my diagnosis and even though I’m still here getting older & trying to make the best of living with incurable cancer I have lost so many friends to this disease. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should stop making friends with women who are metastatic like me. What if they die too? Why are all my friends dying and I’m still here? Why her and not me? There are so many questions when you deal with an incurable illness and there are no answers for them. Stuff happens. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. It sounds so harsh, but it’s true. We can not control what happens and we can’t find the answers we so badly want, because there are none. Through all of the friends I’ve lost I’m still somehow able to believe that things happen for a reason and they always turn out the way they’re supposed to. Even though I am still so sad and angry from the loss of my two friends, I have to try and move on. I will continue to meet others who are dealing with metastatic breast cancer because even though so much pain has come from knowing so many women who have lost the battle, I’ve gained even more in joy, laughter, and friendship, and have been enriched by knowing them.

                                     ”Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.           

                                       Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.

                                       Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

                                                                                  Soren Kierkegaard