Is it really TEN YEARS?

I can’t believe I almost forgot my “cancer-versary” again. Early in my battle I always remembered that day and would flash back in time recalling all that I went through before/during my diagnosis. Several years out I totally forgot about it until coming home from holidays to find a message on the machine from a friend who had called to let me know she was thinking about me on the day I was diagnosed. She never forgets because she somehow managed to track me down and find me in emergency. THAT is a lifetime friend you know you can count on. The last few years I’ve forgotten about the 20th of July and how it changed my life forever. I likely would have forgotten this year too, but early in the year I went through the 2010 calendar and wrote in birthdays and other events. I remembered at that point, likely because around Christmas and New Year’s is the worst time emotionally for me. Some people have a hard time around their “cancer-versary”, but for me it’s New Year’s and worrying about what is going to happen to me in the span of a year. I’ve lost many friends within that one year time frame. I wonder if I’ll lose the fight that fast too.

This year is not what I expected it to be. I expected to celebrate the 10th Anniversary of my golf tournament AND staying stable with stage 4 breast cancer but that didn’t happen.  Early this year I found out the cancer was progressing (spreading) and I would most likely be heading into chemo. After surgery and pathology results, and numerous tests I did indeed go back into chemo in early May. I was filled with anger and I still am. I’ve also found myself filled with more sadness (or self-pity maybe? I’m not sure.) in the last few months, but for the most part I try to be happy and find the positive side of my life the way it is now. Many days it’s difficult or nearly impossible. Others I still find something to be happy or laugh about.

This last week was filled with ups and downs. I had my last chemo infusion (WOOP!) and was so high on steroids that I really lost a lot of sleep. On the other hand, I got a LOT of laundry done! Normally it’ll get washed and into the dryer or hanging up….but that’s where it ends. This week I had so much energy from the steroids (the anti-nauseants are steroids) that I actually FOLDED and PUT AWAY all the clothes I washed!! Hell, I even WASHED A QUEEN SIZE COMFORTER!!! I can’t recall the last time I did that.

Getting the laundry and some other tasks accomplished was awesome. Losing hours and hours of sleep wasn’t. Even worse was “the crash” this weekend. After the highs, there MUST be lowS. My skin hurt SO bad for over 2 days and I was over-tired and didn’t get the sleep I desperately needed.

I hope this week will be better, but now is when my white cells and neutrophils (the infection fighters) will tank. Another hurdle to try and jump over, but I’ll get through just because I KNOW I will soon be feeling better. I’m glad my oncologist changed his mind and decided he only wanted me to do four cycles of chemo instead of the six he originally decided on. I honestly don’t think I could have taken six cycles of Epirubicin. His concern was for the condition of my heart. My concern is for my mental and emotional well-being.

TUESDAY, JULY 20TH, 2010 marks TEN YEARS since I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. The median survival rate is 2.5 years. Words can not express how thankful I am to still be here ten years later, even though I’m once again fighting for my life. I may buy myself a bouquet of flowers, or treat myself to something. After all, who else is gonna do it for me? It’s my milestone to mark and this is one I’m not gonna let just slip by. Ten years. It’s a big deal. I’m extremely lucky to be alive.