Fears & Tears….and somehow there’s still hope

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wanted…needed…to cry? I’ve had so many over the last 9+ years of my cancer battle but they occur less and less as time wears on and I become accustomed to the new (and unwanted) life I was thrown into. I admit that today I sat on my living room couch and I cried. Not the kind of cry with silent tears and a lump in your throat, but the full-on sobbing, gasping-for-air-crying that requires gobs of Kleenex and leaves you with swollen red eyes that seem to remain that way for the next several hours. As I started to sob, my cat went from his contented curled up purring ball status to a sprint across the room where he stared at me with a questioning look. I hoped he would come back and try to comfort me but that didn’t happen (he’s a cat – not a dog!). Sometimes he senses I’m unhappy and will come and sit with me but this was not one of those times.

 

Even though I got relatively good news recently, I’m still internally dealing with my recent scare and the fact that I’m still walking the tight rope of life with cancer and I could be thrown back into treatment or crisis at any moment. The fact that I’ve lost the function of one of my kidneys and that I have a new tumor in the lining around my liver is frequently in the back of my mind.

 

My day started out with blood work at the cancer centre and a very young girl was in the chair across from me. Now that I’m over 40 I can’t gauge even close to the correct age for those younger than me. I’m going to say she was in her late teens or early 20’s. She was young. Too young. So beautiful. She was comfortable being there and I think that really un-nerved me. I’ve met people who literally have panic attacks if they get close to the cancer centre. This girl was so calm and laid back that I’m guessing she’s a cancer “pro” like I am. That was strike one against my emotional stability. Seeing a beautiful young girl who is also in the “cancer world” when she should be doing things others her age are.

 

It didn’t even take three strikes to hit me with wracking sobs of sorrow. I was down for the count at strike two. I was watching Oprah today and she had Nate Berkus as a guest and they replayed some of the footage and talked about the loss of his partner Fernando in the Boxing Day Tsunami. Then they showed a little boy and his family who were dealing with the death of a child. Eric and Aaron were twins and they were very close, holding hands in the womb and in the world as newborns. This segment really got across how close these two little boys were to one another.  Eric had a brain tumor that was benign, treated with radiation, and it went away. Then it came back cancerous and took his life. A sweet young boy lost his fight with cancer and his twin brother and family were still trying to deal with their grief. I’m not usually affected this strongly by the story of someone with cancer no matter what their age. But there was something about this story that really got to me. I could feel his pain even though it wasn’t showing on his face. I found myself crying while the adults around him were giving advice about how to deal with his grief, how they dealt with losses of their own, and how the pain would lessen over time.

 

Then I thought about how it has been one year since my friend Angie lost her battle with breast cancer at the age of 32. Where did the year go? How did we make it through without her? I feel lost without having her to call when I need to talk about “deep cancer issues” and I can’t even begin to imagine how her close friends and family are feeling. Her death left a huge, gaping wound in the hearts of so many people. One year without that smile. One year without that laugh. One year of not being able to pick up the phone and call her. 

 

I also received sad news via email about someone I’ve never met, but I know his wife. I met Tasha in Toronto at Rethink Breast Cancer’s Breast Fest Film Festival. We were each featured in the film “About Her”. Not only had she battled breast cancer - her husband has been fighting brain cancer for many years. Just in the last few days they found out his brain cancer has worsened. He is losing vision, walking with a cane and there are no further treatments they can give him. AND HE’S HAPPY. He is positive and upbeat (I’m sure he’s not that way all the time), but mostly he’s just grateful to be in this moment. He’s happy to be alive and with his wife and 4 year old son whom he loves so very much. He wants to tell his story and help others, even though he may be dying. He is still creating memories for his son, so he’ll remember his dad. They had beautiful family photos taken and I know they will be treasured by their son, and by Tasha even more. The man she loves with all her heart, and the man who is the father of her child is most likely losing his battle with cancer. The stress of all this must be just piercing a hole in her heart. He’s on a waiting list to get into a hospice and will stay at home as long as he can. Ryan has been battling brain cancer off and on for 12 and a half years and used to be a pilot. The only airplanes he’s able to control now are the toy airplanes he and his son play with. I think he’s doing the right thing, mostly because right now he is making memories for his son. His son will see the photos and the TV news stories when he’s older and he will realize how very much his daddy loved him. He’ll be able to hear his voice, and he’ll be able to see footage of him and his dad playing together. Making memories is so important in the life of a child and today’s technology can bring him to life in mere moments anytime he needs to see his dad.

 

I can’t even begin to imagine the stress that Ryan’s wife Tasha must be under. She has battled breast cancer, and been by her husband’s side as he’s fought brain cancer. They’ve each been through more than anyone should ever have to endure. I have a heavy feeling pulling me down again tonight, but I am also in awe of the strength they are each showing, and the fact that they are sharing their story once again so they can help others. Tasha and Ryan are two incredible human beings. They’re showing the world how love endures and what really matters in life, even as it may be coming to an end.

 

And I thought I was having a bad day? Not even close.

 

 

Ryan and Tasha each have a blog and have been writing through their cancer battle. The strength Ryan has is shining through. Here’s an excerpt from his most recent blog posting of January 12, 2010:

 

“The question now is where do we go from here. I had about 5 minutes of sadness, tears, anger and giving up before I hopped back into the left side of the plane to start the flight through the storm. I thought that I had it on cruise control.

I can sit here and explain the anger and sadness of this morning, yet that is a complete waste of energy for both you and I. Being this way would solely allow the cancer to actually believe in itself more confidently. I don’t state this to say that I will beat this ongoing challenge. I may very well be gone in a few months. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last 15 months to think and review the true purpose of my existence (and what may apply to everyone).

We are here to enjoy life in as many ways as possible. We are here to learn (and this does not apply to school). We are here to spread love to others to ensure that they feel it. We are here to accept the reality that is around us, as it is something that we will never control. Most importantly…we are here to know ourselves. After all, that is all that we can take with us when the time comes to go.

 

Tasha and I were back on the news again today so that we can do what we can to help other people take advantage of the fact that we even exist. To ensure that the small stuff means nothing and what is truly important is LOVE, PEACE and HAPPINESS. This life we live is full of chaos so please do yourself a favour and take the time to slow things down. Otherwise, you won’t even see it until the time comes to go.

I will be continuing with my blog as time goes on to fill you in on any changes. Although I do feel very confident that I will be here for quite a while, I have also accepted that I might not be.

Peace, Love, Happiness”

 

 

Read Ryan’s Blog, “Ryan’s Path”: http://ryanwesterman.blogspot.com

 

 

Read Tasha’s blog, “The Journey (Part 2)”: http://tashaengel.blogspot.com