Chemo Cycle 1: days 14 - 20

Day 14 -  Up at 8am (which is like torture for me) and off to dentist. I tell him all my medical B.S. that’s happened in the last few months and we both can’t help but laugh. Everything is happening at once…what a time to break a tooth too! He is able to grind the sharp edges til they are smoother as it’s just some enamel that’s come off. We will fix in a better manner once I’m free and clear to have dental work, which likely isn’t until after all the chemo is done. He gives me a prescription for Zovirax for my cold sore,  another prescription in case I get really bad mouth sores and have problems eating. I also make off with 2 super soft toothbrushes and purchase a special rinse (Chlorhexadine) to help in my mouth care regime. Dr. Raj saves the day! I go fill the Zovirax right away and slather it on in the car.

I talk to my nurse in the afternoon and learn that my counts are LOW. My white cells are 1.3 and my neutrophils are 0.2. Neutrophils help fight off infection. At this level I can not fight anything off. That explains the cold sore.

Had mom’s homemade turkey soup for supper which seems odd on a 28 degree Celsius day, but it’s mom’s homemade turkey soup and I can’t resist. Once again I feel normal today except for the cold sore and the chunk of missing tooth!

Got an email this afternoon that has me in shock. My friend Olga Stefaniuk passed away yesterday. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 42 in the mid 80’s and has been fighting a recurrence for the last 3 or 4 years. She is THE sweetest woman on the face of the planet and I am sad that she’s gone. I’m in shock too because I didn’t know she was that ill. I’d just got an email from her less than 2 weeks ago. I spend the rest of the day remembering how many friends I’ve lost to this disease. Many who were doing just fine and then die within a year. I hope I’m not the next one, but am scared I might be - although the rational side of me knows that my condition is not as bad as what I’ve seen friends go through. I’ve got a long way to go yet before I have to worry about being part of the list that this year already has three women I knew on it: Chandra Dattani, Mary Gilliland and now Olga Stefaniuk.

We BBQ for supper and I boil corn on the cob. Because I’m trying to take care of my teeth and gums I cut the corn off the cob. Not quite as satisfying, but still tastes good. Have had a low grade headache for the majority of the day. I wonder if this means my hair will be falling out soon or if I just need to eat more.  I spend evening on the couch and cancel a visit with a friend.

Day 15 - Another day of appointments. Today I see two oncologists and then go to the hospital for an infusion to keep my bones strong (have been doing this every 4 weeks for the last 9+ years). The only parking spot I can find is the furthest from the Cancer Centre as I could possibly be, and I find my heart rate is extremely high during the walk.  I stop, grab a railing and stand there until I can catch my breath. Another side effect of the chemo…can cause a rapid heartbeat. I have been feeling it happen a few times but there is no rhyme or reason. I meet with both oncologists and discover that the tumor in the liver has grown in the last couple of months. I’m not upset or surprised, as I assumed that something would have grown or something new may have shown up in that time frame. I know we’re doing the right thing by blasting me with chemo. I must kill this beast that is invading my body.

My neck is sore and I still have a headache, plus I’m in desperate need of fiber or SOMETHING to help regulate “the system”.  For some reason my gums are sore and hurt when I eat anything or brush my teeth. I’m hoping I burned them on the turkey soup yesterday and that it’s not the start of mouth sores.

I go to the hospital after the cancer centre and get hooked up to an I.V. machine for a one hour infusion. The nurses are hovering, making sure I’m ok and covering me with blankets. I have no reading material so I resort to a March edition of People that’s in their magazine rack and read about Jake and Vienna from the Bachelor. It’s then I realize I have something to look forward to! The Bachelorette starts on Monday!!! Watching reality TV helps me escape my own life and distracts me from it as well.

I think my hair is starting to come out. In the shower this morning there was more hair than usual in my hands after shampooing. Since I got my hair cut short there hasn’t been ANY hair in my hands after shampooing so I assume this is the start of it. I stick it all to the wall of the shower to see if it really is a lot of hair. Doesn’t look too bad, but am sure husband won’t appreciate my “wall art” in the shower J Several times throughout the day I try and see if hair will come out if I pull on it. I’m not overly successful . Maybe it’s not time yet. Here’s my “shower hair art”:

My shower "hair art" which includes my motto for this battle. F.Y.C!

Day 16 - I am wakened this morning by Film-maker Phyllis at 10am. She informs me they have funding for a FULL LENGTH FEATURE FILM and want to come out and interview me sometime in the next month or so. This is the same film maker who interviewed me (in HD!) last summer for the documentary “About Her” that was released in November. (www.tellher2.com, then click on “The Documentary” to see the trailer). Getting out of bed is easy after news like this. I have something to look forward to! However, my mood slides a bit when I realize I have another damn medical appointment today. This time for a MUGA scan to test my heart. The Epirubicin can cause problems with the heart so we need a baseline of my heart function. The Herceptin I’ve been on can cause cardiac toxicity but I’ve never had problems with it in all this time. Because of the “heart issues” the chemo can cause, I am not getting the Herceptin while I’m on chemo. It would be way too hard on the heart. I worry about being off Herceptin for about four months, but I know this is the safest way to go through treatment.

By this time I am getting very sick of medical appointments, as I have one or more every day this week except Friday. My counts are low and I should be staying home, but I cannot miss these tests and appointments.  I go to nuclear medicine, have some blood taken which is then somehow made radioactive and then injected back into me in 30 minutes. I’m then immediately taken into a room and get to lie quietly while the machine scans my heart for ten minutes. I’m light-headed when I get up.  A chocolate milk is in order to perk me up (it’s cheaper than fruit juice at the hospital), and I sit down with it and my book and just relax for awhile before going back to the car. The hospital has made a LOT of money off me this week just in parking charges. Thank God the machines take Visa. I am down to a few quarters and there’s none in the bank account.

Rain started pounding down after supper so I curled up to read the mail. Was excited to see a card for me from my friend Sharon, so I save it for last. Am in shock when I see she has arranged for some Dinner Rush meals (and delivery!) for us, and am SO thankful. Many days I don’t eat much but the husband must still be fed. This will really help us a lot. If you have a friend going through a health challenge or a loss in the family this may be something you would like to do to help. It is GREATLY APPRECIATED, trust me. I can’t express how grateful we are for this.

My gums are sore again today and hurt when I eat or brush my teeth. My head also feels “funny”. It feels like I’ve had a ponytail in too tight or too long, but that isn’t possible because my hair is so short now. I recall other women telling me they had this feeling before losing their hair. I now know it’s definitely coming. Will the pillow be covered in gobs of hair in the morning?

I feel sad because I had to make the hard decision not to attend tonight’s prayers or tomorrow’s funeral for my friend Olga. Because my counts are so low I know I must stay away from large crowds of people. I don’t want to risk anything else. The cold sore, headache and “funny feeling” head are more than enough to contend with.

Day 17 - 19 - Finally I am able to sleep in. Got up at 1:30 and after eating breakfast I start to get the last of the camping stuff ready to go in the trailer. Still have a slight headache, and noticed a lot more hair coming out in the shower. When I brush it after, I literally feel hair falling onto my bare shoulders. I can even see it on my back in the mirror. I immediately put the clippers in with the camping stuff in the event I need to shave my head this weekend while camping.  Maybe the birds can use it in their nests.

It’s taking me awhile to eat food today. My gums are definitely sore, but they are not red so I’m hoping it’s not too serious.

I put the cat in the trailer before he catches on that we’re going somewhere and may be taking him. Last year when we’d start piling things up at the top of the stairs he would manage to go and hide. He loves travelling and camping once you get him OUT to the trailer. Cat immediately goes under the bed sheets and I wonder who will lose more hair this weekend – me or him?

Trip to campground straight into high winds sucks the gas quickly but we make it before dark and set up. The entire weekend is spent inside, like caged animals with the trailer shaking from the high winds. Rain pounds on the roof for the majority of Friday night and Saturday. Sunday morning at 4:30am I’m awake worrying the trailer may blow over or a tree may come through the roof or window. Are we having fun yet??! We “invite ourselves” to mom and dad’s for supper on Sunday and even get so bold as to order roast beef, potatoes and gravy and marshmallow salad. Mom goes the extra distance and bakes a peach pie for dessert. Everything is nice and soft, easy for me to eat and is the most food I’ve eaten in one sitting for several weeks. There’s nothing like mom’s home cooking to make me feel better. We leave with another care package of food and full bellies to watch the series finale of “Lost” in the trailer.

By Sunday, the cold sore is looking much better and healing well. Zovirax saves the day. My gums seem to feel better. Brushing my teeth and eating is much less painful .  The sun is back out and blue skies are showing as we arrive back at our campsite. The wind is even dying down. Seems like my mouth issues are clearing up just in time for the next chemo on Wednesday. Oh goody.

Day 20 - my gums are definitely not sore anymore and eating is much easier. My hair however is another issue. The back of my head (on both sides near the top) feels like every hair is twisted around and out of position. Over the weekend my head hurts when the wind blows my hair around. I walk around like a rapper with my hood up. I shower after supper and notice a LOT more hair is coming out. Even though I’ve gone through losing my hair before, I still can’t bring myself to shave it off just yet.

Cycle 2 is around the corner. Will the first ten days be as bad as last time? God I hope not.

Chemo Cycle 1: the first 13 days

The drug that's hopefully going to kick cancer's ass!

I’m actually writing this on the 13th day of chemo and so far it’s been a good day. I’m feeling almost normal, and have been for the last couple of days. I can’t, however, say that for the first 11 days. Here’s the anatomy of the first 12 days:

Day 1: get first dose of Epirubicin (it’s red which usually means it’s nasty). The infusion itself only takes 7 minutes. It takes longer to get the anti-nausea drugs in than the actual chemo. Weird. Felt good for the rest of the day except for a headache in the evening that lasted for about an hour. Stomach not quite “normal”, but liveable.

Day 2: my nose is red. I look like someone who drinks too much, but I don’t drink anymore (to preserve Larry the Liver).

Day 3: along with my nose, my cheeks are now red and warm. No amount of mineral makeup covers it.  Awake til 5:30 am - all jacked up on the steroid they gave me for anti-nausea (Dexamethasone). All day stomach would be growling within one hour of eating. The anti-nausea drug Domperidone (NOT the champagne unfortunately) empties your stomach quickly to avoid nausea….so not long after eating  you are hungry again. Stomach has started feeling “funny” and I have lots of uncomfortable burps. Stomach is definitely not happy.

Day 4: nose, cheeks and now my neck and chest are blotchy red. Ugh. The disgusting burping continues and is worse after eating. I really like burping when it’s deep, gutteral and satisfying and I can burp with the best of men but this burping is NOT satisfying. It makes me feel crappy. Still jacked on the Dexamethasone and awake til 5am.

Day 5: Damn burping! My SKIN HURTS. Literally. My skin hurts…the back of my arms, my neck, almost everywhere. A light touch with my own hand causes pain. Feel sore all over. Slept like a rock - coming down off the Dexa now.

Day 6: My skin still hurts (said with a whiny voice) and the burping is driving me insane. Stomach is definitely not happy. Very tired. Deep sleep…definitely recovering from the 2 day Dexa high.

Day 7:  My skin does not hurt anymore! YAY. Had some issues with sleeping. Just couldn’t seem to go totally “under”.

Day 8: Actually seem to be slightly nauseous…I think it’s because of this “burpy” stomach. Husband bought a jug of Tums and I need them after eating almost everything. Crappy sleep.

Day 9: Stomach seems to be worse. The back of the Tums jug says it’s good for “sour stomach”…that’s how I would describe what I’ve got! And these are Ultra Strength Feeling very weak today. Had difficulty walking from parking lot into hospital for CT scan. Had to stop to catch breath and hold onto something because I was light-headed. Nurse in CT had problems finding a vein for the contrast dye. I had one glass of solution down that was threatening to come back up. Eyes clamped shut, trying deep breathing to get through it. Told nurse to get someone else to do it, and another took over and got a vein right away. She then looked at me and asked if I needed a stretcher. I declined and said I would be fine, but after another look she stated “you need a stretcher, I’m getting one”. I had no choice. Stretcher wheeled in, Lisa put onto stretcher and promptly wrapped in 2 warm blankets and then started crying. Jody the nurse who was looking after me was the first nurse I encountered at my first CT scan almost 10 years ago. She TOTALLY rocks and can find a vein anywhere. LOVE HER. Baby who is waiting for a CT and hasn’t eaten since 10pm the previous night is crying. I feel like he sounds and I cry some more. Jody brings me some sandpaper (hospital kleenex) and my next drink and manages to get me laughing. CT goes like clockwork once it happens. I realize Jody made the right call. I would not have stayed upright in a chair, that’s how crappy I felt. Upon leaving at 11:30 I decide I need chocolate milk or I won’t make it back to the car. Did a slow Tim Conway shuffle back to car, went home and hit the couch. Wonderful friend calls and asks if I need anything. I request Old Dutch BarBQ chips and she shows up with the loot and manages to make me laugh despite my sad mood and feeling crappy & weak overall. I have a shower after supper and cry in the shower. Can’t get rid of this sadness. Not the best sleep…can’t get comfy.

Day 10: Still feeling weak, light-headed, and heart gets racing pretty fast every once in awhile. A walk of less than 50 feet from the greenhouse to the deck gets my heart going like crazy. I climb the stairs and promptly lay down on the lounge chair, taking deep calming breaths. I’ve noticed this happening every once in awhile. Epirubicin is known for doing this to the heart. My MUGA scan (a heart test) is scheduled for next week so we can monitor to make sure it doesn’t get damaged. Stomach still really bothering me and I don’t feel good at all. I cry some more when a friend stops by to drop something off. I cry when my husband calls. I cry because I feel so crappy. When I feel sick I realize I AM sick, hence the tears.

Day 11: Hmmmm, what happened to the crappy feeling of the last 2 days?! Suddenly I feel normal and as if nothing has happened. Had a good long sleep til 1pm. A sunny warm day is on the way. Maybe that’s why I feel better. At 4pm I attempt to start weeding in one of my flowerbeds. My head feels like it weighs 75 pounds, I can’t find a comfortable position and I’m shaky. I guess I’m not better! I take frequent rests on the lounger in the shade but after my legs literally start to shake I decide that’s enough and give up on weeding. How will I EVER be able to look after my yard and garden this summer?? :(  On the bright side, no major stomach issues today but fast heart rate at times. Managed a quick grocery trip at 8:30pm.

Day 12: up at 11am and feel NORMAL….really normal! But, I decide to take it slow due to yesterday and how I thought I was ok but wasn’t. Husband does pancakes & bacon on the BBQ for brunch and we eat in the sunshine on the deck. Awesome. Wonderful friend drops by as we are on our way out with a massive fruit and goodie basket for us to enjoy. NO issues with stomach all day but took a Tums after supper just in case. Had some muscle spasms in ribs on our drive to get our trailer. Something that looks suspiciously like a cold sore is forming on my bottom lip. Not good. Epirubicin can cause this. CRAP. I use an acne medication because I don’t have anything else. My streak of bad luck continues when, as I’m eating fresh (SOFT) fruit salad in the evening, a chunk of one of my molars breaks off.

Day 13: Wake up at noon feeling normal AGAIN! WTF?! Am I turning a corner already? I’m not even at Day 14. Meet with oncologist in afternoon and discuss the side effects I’ve had. Got a prescription for some meds that will help with my stomach issues. The next round should be much better on the stomach. Not able to get into dentist today, going tomorrow to see what temporary measures can be done for the tooth. Oncologist and nurse not happy to hear of tooth issue in the middle of chemo and remind me we need to be careful with the mouth. Am hoping there is an easy temporary fix that will help. The edges are very sharp, it’s sensitive to my toothbrush. Bloody hell! Stupid tooth. Pick up drugs and talk to pharmacist about cold sore/chemo issue and purchase some Abreva. I’ve never paid 20 bucks for something sooo small. At least if it doesn’t help they have a money-back guarantee. I’m keeping my rcpt. Met a friend after indulging in a peanut butter milkshake at 8th Street drive-up DQ. Home for supper, no stomach issues and feeling normal. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try doing some weeding. Still no signs that my hair is losing it’s grip on my scalp. Did have a short little feeling of hair standing on end on right side of head on Saturday but nothing since. No pain, no tightness, no tingling…but it must be coming. Got a turban at the cancer centre today to use as a sleep cap. It’s red and white striped and I look like a Christmas Elf. I won’t be wearing that thing in public.

To be continued…..

Back in Chemo

*This posting was written on May 4^th, 2010 but not posted until Tuesday May 11

Tomorrow I start chemo. I still can’t believe I’m writing these words. Am I in denial? Sometimes I wonder if I am, but then I realize I DO know what’s going on and what will be happening to me. Have I accepted it? I suppose I must have accepted it so far because I seem to be in a decent place mentally. Will it change me? I guess that’s what I worry about the most. Going through cancer the first time totally ripped my life into shreds that scattered down like millions of snowflakes. It seemed like my life had been stolen from me overnight.  Nothing from that point on would ever be the same. Our life would never go back to the way it was before. How I wished and hoped it could, but it’s just not possible when you go through a diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer. I can’t speak to how it feels going through an earlier stage cancer and if things ever do get back to the way they were before. I hope that it does for some, but I’m realistic to think that it would be rare for it to work out that way.

So many times in the early years of my diagnosis my husband and I wanted so badly for our life to go back to the way it was before. We just wanted our lives to be “the same as they were before”. All the wishing in the world can’t pull that miracle out of the magician’s hat. My social worker (and others) said we had to get used to our “new normal”. I started to hate that phrase but once it actually happened, my attitude changed.  There are many stages to going through a cancer fight both physically and mentally. First there’s shock, confusion and fear. Then there’s anger. Extreme sadness often falls in there somewhere along the way. And then at some point you realize that your life is as normal as it’s going to get and you’re ok with it. You understand that it will never, ever be the way it used to be…but that the way it is now isn’t all that bad. After all – you ARE alive!

For almost ten years I stumbled over the rocks, attempted to jump the hurdles, and then at some point found the smooth road and open water and I embraced my life the way it had turned out after all I’d been through. Some days I questioned my sanity. I had incurable, widespread cancer that was under control.  It could, however, start to progress (spread) again at any time and my life would be threatened. Why then did it seem that I was like a little 4 year old skipping through a field of daisies with my head in the clouds thinking life was just grand?! With the threat of cancer hanging over my head continually I was somehow able to live and to thrive.

I would be thrown into a tailspin of despair every once in awhile, especially after the death of a breast cancer friend. It was at those times I realized just how scary this is, but how lucky I was. It could have very easily been me that lost my life. Why her and not me? Why, why, why, why, why????!

I’ve known for the last almost ten years that my cancer will most likely start to progress again at some point and I’ll be thrown back into turmoil, fighting for my life. I’ve also come to terms (I think) with what will most likely take my life or will definitely threaten it along the way. It’s the disease I’ve lived with since the summer of 2000 – breast cancer. Even though I’ve known the cancer would likely start to grow again, it doesn’t make it any easier when the actual time comes.

The time has come. My cancer is progressing and my life is being threatened once more. Recent tests revealed the cancer is back in my liver and in some other areas of my abdomen. I can’t repeat the word I said in the oncologist’s office when I heard the news. I promised I wouldn’t use that word in this blog. I’m starting to wonder if I should have made that promise and how long it will be before I break it while I’m writing here J

Tomorrow is the day I start chemo again. I start fighting for my life again, and I’m wondering if my life will stay as it is now or if we’ll have to adjust to another “new normal”?! I sure as hell hope not. I’ve gotten used to the way my life is now and I don’t want many changes. Gee, that’s not a lot to ask when you have metastatic breast cancer is it? It IS a lot to ask but I’m hoping with all my heart that it’s possible…not only for my sanity but for the sanity of my husband, our families and friends.

I haven’t cried much since I got the news that I was going back into chemo. I cried in the office the day I got the news from the oncologist and the rest of my medical team as we all huddled together in a small treatment room. I cried when I called to make an appointment to get my hair cut short. I knew it was all going to fall out within 10-14 days of the first chemo and making that appointment for a short haircut was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But it wasn’t as hard as telling some of my family and friends. Telling my best friend since childhood was THE hardest thing to do and of course we both got teary on the phone. Then I got teary the next day when flowers showed up on my door from her with a lovely note.

I’ve been fairly good emotionally while telling people - so far. At first we kept the news very quiet and only informed a few family members and friends. I just was not ready for it to become public knowledge. I wasn’t able to wrap this news around my own head, let alone try and make someone else understand. And I wasn’t ready for the “sad puppy-dog looks and sappy voice tones” of those who would write emails or call. I also was not ready for the “rah rah” messages either.

To tell you the truth, I feel dead inside. I wish I knew why I was feeling this way. There don’t seem to be any emotions lurking near the surface and I’m wondering why. For God’s sake woman!!! You’re going to have chemotherapy, and you’re going to lose your hair in GOBS. I keep wondering if I’m going to feel sick and shitty. I worry that I may pack on the pounds from the steroids. And, I worry more that I’ll end up eating like a horse, which is what happened last time. Seems kind of weird that I’m worried about all this when what I should be worried about is whether the chemo will work and if I’ll survive.

Tomorrow will bring what may be one of the hardest days of my life but I’m going to make every attempt to get through it with humor. If I need to cry, I will. During the next four months of treatment  I’m going to spend the majority of my time at home and in my garden. I won’t be hanging around big groups or large parties because I want to avoid getting sick and ending up at the hospital. I just might be the world’s most secretive hermit this summer. The plan at this point is to stay home, stay healthy, and to take things one day and one moment at a time.

Baby steps is all I can do right now so that’s what I’ll stick with, and I’ll hope my sanity stays with me. Maybe that dead feeling inside will melt away, maybe the worry will disappear, and hopefully I’ll once again feel thankful to be alive and celebrate every day.

KFC for the Cure? GAG.

Yes, you read that right. It’s a new fundraiser in the U.S. where Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) has partnered up with Komen for the Cure to raise money for breast cancer research. It’s called “Buckets for the Cure” and they’re promoting it as “the largest single donation to end breast cancer”.  This is definitely a new low and I’m surprised and shocked that Komen agreed to be part of it, especially since it’s such an unhealthy form of chicken. Deep-fried and full of fat, but man do I LOVE the skin with all those special herbs and spices. My husband and I haven’t eaten KFC in over 3 years (because we did LA Weight Loss and learned to eat properly) but when we DID, I would eat the skin and some of the white meat and he’d eat the rest. We would fight over the skin! Nothing like a big hunk of chicken with a massive flavorful chunk of skin and all that coating….and of course now I’m aware of the fat.  The closest we get to fast food now  is Subway and the occasional Blizzard. We’re members of the Blizzard Fan Club and as a good member I can not stay away from a Blizzard if they send me a buy one, get one free coupon

Back to KFC and their fundraising. Yes, they even have PINK buckets for the chicken. I just heard about this tonight on a fellow breast cancer blogger’s blog. Here’s the link to what she wrote, and you’ll see many comments after the posting too! http://notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com/2010/04/buckets-of-pink-sht.html

She titled the posting “Buckets of Pink Sh*t”. One person commented  they thought Komen has sunk to a new low, but that raising awareness is still good. I don’t understand why KFC couldn’t have just stroked a big-ass cheque to Komen and advertised the fact they did and not tie it to any product. It doesn’t seem to work that way these days however.

 ”Buckets for the Cure” is being promoted as “the largest single donation to end breast cancer”. www.bucketsforthecure.com is the website if you want to check it out for yourself and make your own judgement. For every pink bucket of chicken sold, KFC will donate 50 cents to Komen for the Cure. As of today, they have already raised $2,356,038 and their goal is to raise 8.5 MILLION DOLLARS. That’s a lot of coin and I’d sure like to see it happen, but ONLY for the research. Just thinking of how many people it will take, eating all that unhealthy food kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I’m impressed and sickened at the same time with the amount of money they’ve already raised. Their promotion says it’s 50 cents from every bucket of original or grilled chicken sold….hmmm. Like I said, I haven’t eaten at KFC in over 3 years so I don’t know what their grilled chicken is like (or if it’s a much healthier choice). It could be something they only have in the U.S. I’m heading to Philadelphia for a metastatic breast cancer conference this weekend so maybe I’ll get a chance to check it out. I won’t be buying any, I can guarantee that!

Despite the fact that they have a very large goal and a big campaign which does raise awareness, I just don’t like the idea of eating greasy, unhealthy food to raise money for breast cancer research. I wonder if Komen was approached with this and just couldn’t turn it down, simply because of the amount of money it has the potential to raise. How could anyone turn down 8.5 million for research? Komen may have thought “if we don’t work with them, someone else will and they’ll get the money - not us”. I image there was a lot of discussion in many boardrooms about this promotion…at least I hope there was.  In the end, they decided to get involved with KFC and now it seems the breast cancer community is less than impressed. I just hope this promotion does NOT come to Canada.

Wrinkles in Time

For the first several years after my diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer I didn’t focus on things like my weight, how I dressed, or other “me” things. Many would say I never did – and still don’t! J The truth is I just don’t CARE what anyone thinks about the way I look or dress. The way I FEEL is much more important and if I’m feeling confident or happy that shows through with or without makeup.

I guess what I’m trying to explain is that I didn’t really do things to make ME happy until several years into my cancer battle. I wasn’t able to say “no” when I was asked to do something or help with something. That’s all changed, thanks to my social worker and her expert counselling. I’m now more selfish about how I spend my time and what I get involved in. Somehow that evolved into being more concerned about the way I LOOK.

After losing 40 pounds in 2007 I wore makeup more than I went bare faced (a total reversal). I bought new clothes and cared about how I looked. And then it happened. I’d started to pay attention to myself and I started to notice age-related things happening to me. I always wondered when these things would show their presence on my body. I’ve known for many years that I’d most likely get little raised red spots and skin tags because I’d seen them on close female family relatives. I don’t recall when the little red spots started showing, but they’ve been around for several years and every time I look at them I think of my Grandma Rendall. She had them and I never questioned them or found them weird. I actually find comfort in these spots. They are part of my heritage.

Skin tags are an entirely different story. They are common in people of certain descents but they’re not part of my heritage that I want! To put it simply: they freak my freak.  I knew I’d most likely start to sprout them at some point in time – and I did. The first one showed up near my armpit many years ago.  I thought of shaving it off, but I don’t have the balls and it would likely just grow back anyway. Most importantly it’s in a place where no one can see it.  The place I’ve been dreading the appearance of the lowly skin tag is on my neck. I’ve witnessed female relatives with a lot of them on their neck. My mom used to have lots of them but had the majority of them removed. She obviously wasn’t pleased she had them.

As I hit 40 I was sure the skin tag invasion would start but it didn’t. At some point over the next couple of years I started to feel slight little bumps at the base of my neck and there they were. The dreaded skin tag. Gaaaaa!  Luckily they are very small and I don’t even see them – likely because my hair covers them.  By 43 or 44 a couple more somehow sprouted higher up my neck, but again they’re covered by the length of my hair so I don’t notice them. It helps that they haven’t grown into crazy big floppy skin tags from hell. If and when that happens I am going to be selfish enough to get them removed.  In the grand scheme of things what’s a few skin tags when you’ve got incurable breast cancer that could take your life within mere months?! I shouldn’t be so vain and selfish, but I am when it comes to the humble skin tag. I’ve learned to live with the threat of cancer spreading and ultimately killing me, but I just can’t deal with having skin tags hanging on my neck like chunks of mushy Rice Krispies flopping around for everyone to see. What the hell?! I can handle the thought of cancer killing me, but not living with a few harmless (but ugly) skin tags. Too funny… and weird.

I definitely know when wrinkles started to show.  I can pinpoint it starting in my 44^th year and especially now that I’m 45. It’s like they’ve shown up out of the blue in the last year. When I smile I see laugh lines beside my eyes and mouth.  It seems they just showed up one day and I wondered how they got there. But what, if anything, was I going to do about it? The sight of them shocked me, but not in a bad way. I was shocked because I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be old enough to have wrinkles. I started to wonder if all of the cancer treatments and other medications I’ve had may have brought this on so quickly. How does my body even tolerate all of the substances going into it on a regular basis – just to keep me alive?  Are these wrinkles my body’s way of showing the toll the meds have taken or are they there just because it’s TIME? Personally, I think it’s finally my time. I have much younger friends with more wrinkles than I, so it’s safe to say it is most definitely my time. And I’m thrilled. I am old enough to have wrinkles.  Holy crap!

Am I going to do anything about these wrinkles? I’ve always believed in aging gracefully (a polite way of saying I don’t believe in using surgery) and accepting the lines that come with time. I’ll admit to having a much better skin-care regimen than ever but that’s mostly because I’ve finally found what works best for my skin. Took me long enough! Cleanse, exfoliate, moisturize, sunscreen. That’s my regimen and I won’t be adding any fancy roller-ball products or miracle products that promise to get rid of my lines. I’m just happy to be old enough to have wrinkles. I’m proud to show I have lines that come with time. Lots of time. And that’s all I ever wanted.  

Rest in Peace Ryan

Ryan Westerman
WESTERMAN , Ryan Robert Ryan Robert Westerman passed away peacefully at the Rosedale Hospice on Sunday, April 4, 2010 at the age of 37 years. A Celebration of Ryan’s Life will be held at FOSTER’S GARDEN CHAPEL, 3220 - 4 Street N.W., Calgary (across from Queen’s Park Cemetery) on Thursday, April 8, 2010 at 2:00 p.m. If friends so desire, memorial donations may be made directly to Rosedale Hospice, 920 - 7A Street N.W., Calgary, AB T2M 3J3. Expressions of sympathy may be forwarded to the family via the website www.fostersgardenchapel.ca . FOSTER’S GARDEN CHAPEL FUNERAL HOME & CREMATORIUM. Telephone: 403-297-0888 Honoured Provider of Dignity Memorial

I checked in on the blog of my friend Tasha today and read her last post from March 31st. Her husband Ryan was weakening, but there were still “moments of Ryan” showing through. As I read the comments to her posting, I noticed people were passing on their sympathy at his passing. My heart sank.  After a quick google search, then a search of the Calgary Herald obituaries I found the news I hoped I wouldn’t have to read. Ryan passed away on Easter Sunday. He was only 37 but he made such an impact on thousands of people he never even met. That’s because Ryan blogged about his battle and he shared his story with the Calgary media. He inspired us simply because he taught us how important it is to just LIVE IN THE NOW and enjoy every single moment no matter what life throws at you.

I have learned a lot from Ryan. How to live. How to die. And how to do it all with grace, dignity, and teaching those around us that you can rise above a horrible situation. I never met Ryan but I wish I had. I feel like I knew him because of his blog, and his spirit really shines through in every single photo of him. You can tell what kind of man he was just by seeing his picture. The joy shone through and it will continue to forever.

Breast Cancer Blogs

If you’re going through treatment, have come out the other side, or are just generally affected by someone’s battle with breast cancer  you might want to try a totally different resource - the blog-o-sphere! There are millions (literally) of women and men blogging about their breast cancer battle, many of them much more regular writers than yours truly. To have had a resource like this when I was diagnosed ten years ago would have been incredible.

You can be as involved as you like with a blog. You can simply add it to your favorites and check it out when you want, you can sign up to be a “follower” of a blog, and you can make comments as well as email the blogger directly. In reading the posts of fellow warriors you’ll discover that you are not alone and that someone else feels just like you do. They may be many miles away…in Israel or Malaysia, or they could be in your own city. I’ve been reading many breast cancer (and other cancer) blogs since November and have been adding some to my “Info & Help” page on this website. Along with a comprehensive list of websites you may find helpful, there’s also a list of books, and now BLOGS! If I think a blog would be helpful to someone, and the blogger posts on a frequent basis I add it to my list. I added a few more tonight that I’ve been reading, including a young Islamic woman from Malaysia. You might wonder what you have in common with someone from that far away, of a different culture and religion. Trust me, you’ll have a LOT in common.

There are blogs by women who are doing their best to be a good mother and wife while dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis. I have made an effort to include a description of each blogger so you know their age and a bit about their diganosis to see if it’s something similar to your situation (if that’s what you’re looking for).

Check out some of my recommended blogs on the “Info & Help” page of my website. It’s the modern way of finding support and reassurance that you are not alone.

Scrap & Yap Weekend

Holy moly what a weekend! My cousin invited me to join her and a bunch of friends for a scrap weekend.  Their own version of a “retreat” which I totally loved because we simply set up in a boardroom of an office, left our stuff there and locked up when we left. No travel out of town, sleep in your own bed, come and go as you please and scrap like a maniac.

I wish I could say I scrapped like a maniac but I didn’t. I actually spent the majority of my time putting the finishing touches on some layouts I’d done from 2007 and 2008!! Yes, you read that right. Stuff I started, but did NOT finish THREE YEARS AGO. That is sooooo lame. Can you tell I’m a procrastinator? Maybe it’s just that my feeble menopausal mind forgot I hadn’t finished those layouts. No, that’s a lie. I’m lazy. I just didn’t do it. I didn’t follow through and finish the damn things until now. Ugh. I’m not happy with myself but that’s the way the cookie crumbles and at least I finished them FINALLY

The first layout I worked on was cat related. After all, I love cats and have had many over the years. I don’t know when I started this particular layout but it had to have been about 3 years ago. The first three pages featured our cat Scooter, a lovely all black guy who was our “baby” for 13 years. I had some great pictures mounted, had added some embellishments and then planned to add some stuff from his Catster page to finish it off. The pages were printed and with the layout, I’d just never done it. So, that’s where I started. The first pages are of Scooter and then the next ones joyfully announce the arrival of our new kitten ( a lovely Tuxedo cat, fondly referred to as Toonses the Driving Cat - see my Facebook photos!!). I finished the cat layout and moved on to finish a “Zoo Day” layout from 2007, and another 2 pager from 2008. You’d think that wouldn’t take me long to do and I’d be moving on to new things, but I work so slowly. My mental function just isn’t as quick as it used to be and I find it extremely frustrating. I also don’t have as much confidence in my work as I should. I look at what others are doing and wish I could do what they are. My cousin was sitting next to me pounding out layouts like she was on an assembly line and that of course made me feel inferior too. Mind you, she had gorgeous professional photos that were larger. I’m so impressed with the level of talent I saw in that boardroom over the time I spent with this new bunch of what I hope will become friends. A couple of the girls did Olympic layouts that were brilliant. Many of them were working on photos of their children, or of a recent vacation destination. I had photos of our trip to St. Lucia but didn’t even get to them! I took the easy way out and did another layout featuring one of my nieces. And I didn’t even get it finished. Gaaaaaaa

We started out Friday night and went til about midnight, returned Saturday at 10am and I shut it down and hauled my stuff home that night at 11pm because my cancer-filled spine just couldn’t handle it anymore. We had breakfast shortly after arrival that was catered by Bad Ass Jacks. Bad Ass Jacks and breakfast you say?! YES. And it was awesome! I had no idea that Bad Ass Jacks has the variety they do. We had a veggie & dip tray and assorted fresh wraps from Bad Ass Jacks for lunch, so I was able to try different things and saw their menu. Did you know Bad Ass Jacks does Asian Boxes? For breakfast they have Breakfast Boxes! Everything you need, nice and hot in a box you just open and eat out of (sort of like the asian take out boxes you see in movies). And there’s a lot of chicken breast in the chicken products so it’s very healthy. They even have pizza.  I am going to be an “Official Bad Ass” from now on. If I’d known how fresh their food is, and how seriously they take that freshness I would have been there much sooner. I guess I live a fairly sheltered life. I don’t go out to restaurants very often and when I do, it’s to places I know FOR SURE will be good. Translation: somewhere I’ve been before and always go to. Fish & chips? Joey’s. Vietnamese? Saigon on 33rd or Saigon Rose downtown (their crispy ginger chicken totally rocks). Steak? The Keg. Fast food? Subway. I could keep going, but since losing 40 pounds a few years ago we don’t do fast food anymore and Subway would be the only “fast food” restaurant we’ll eat at because we know there is something there that will not totally throw our system out of whack. I know that Bad Ass Jacks WILL fit into my regimen so they are now added to the list of go-to’s if we are going to eat out/take home.

Not only did I feel inferior in my scrapbooking inability to make a totally awesome layout, I felt completely out of touch with respect to technology and scrapbooking. The machines those girls brought for all to share mesmerized me! There was a Slice, a Cricut Create, and a Xyron. I’ve heard the names before but have never understood what they do and what their benefit is. I have to SEE something with my own eyes and see how it works to understand it. That’s just how my brain works. As soon as I tried Cindy’s Xyron I wanted one. I didn’t get the guts to try the Cricut til later on Saturday and had my cousin help me. And of course after using it I wanted one. It’s all I’ve been able to think about since Saturday. Why, why, why?! Is it a case of envy that I don’t have the “toys” that the other girls do? I wondered about that for the first few days and then I just realized that I really believe I can use a Cricut. A LOT. I checked them out at Michaels and Walmart, I’ve done a lot of internet cruising, and I can’t get that thing out of my mind! I like the smaller version which is the “Create” but for some reason I want the “Expression” - the big one. I could afford a Create and likely be satisfied with it, but I’m thinking I would regret not just going big and going home. Just the fact that I could put a 12 x 12 piece of paper into it is enough to sell me on it. The Create can’t take a full sheet of paper and I see how I could do so many different things with the bigger Expression. But will it help me to actually FINISH a layout? That remains to be seen, but having a new toy to play with makes me think it might be possible

Thanks to the girls I met over the weekend (see, I didn’t share any inside info…you had nothing to worry about!) and who treated me as if I was one of them. Thanks for teaching me how to use these new machines, thanks for letting me borrow everything from ink to stamps to an eraser, and of course “the toys”. I knew on the drive home that I was going to have to bring up the topic of this wonder-machine to my husband and try to justify “why I NEED it”. Poor guy. All he’s heard all week is the word Cricut, and has sat beside me on the couch watching TV together as I surf the internet looking at them and comparing prices. He even came with me to Michaels tonight to look at one! Now that’s progress He has given me the go-ahead to get one if the price is something we can handle. The prices I’ve seen so far are prices we can NOT handle, but I found one on Kijiji that I hope to check out tomorrow so perhaps I’ll  be a proud Cricut owner before the weekend. Maybe I should just be content to have a brand new Create…at least it’s more affordable. I’ll have to do a performance test of this one from Kijiji and determine whether it works and if it’s a safe buy. I’m a bit hesitant about it, but once I see it and try it, hopefully I will be able to walk away if I still have doubts. I have to be able to walk away because I’d never forgive myself if I bought a lemon and was out all that cash. Long term disability doesn’t give me the freedom to be frivolous with money. And of course there’s the guilt that comes with purchasing something like this that is expensive. I always feel guilt for spending money on something for myself. I like to buy things for others and I never feel guilt about that. What’s up with that anyway? I’ve got incurable cancer for crying out loud! Shouldn’t I be able to get myself something without feeling guilty? Too bad the “cancer card” won’t get me a better price on a Cricut

Oh, and by the way….I bought a Xyron this week. At least they’re affordable with your 40% off coupon at Michaels. All I need now is a Cricut to cut things out so I can use my Xyron to stick them to the page

Wish me luck. I need all I can get.

45 and ALIVE!

Long time no blog….sorry!         

Apparently there actually ARE people who read my blog J.  Whenever they are able to find a posting that is! A lot has happened since I last wrote here, the biggest event being my 45^th birthday. As I’ve mentioned before, it was a goal I made when I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer at the age of 35.

I did it. I really did it. Thank you God, thank you Sweet Baby Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you. Although it was an important day for me I didn’t plan anything special, as my husband and I would be on the sunny beaches of St. Lucia enjoying paradise. I told him this was ALL I needed for a birthday present. Just to be somewhere warm and beautiful, and at a Sandals resort no less, was more than I could have ever hoped for. Our first ever warm winter vacation was one I thought was my first AND my last. It was thought that I wouldn’t survive very long, so I honestly believed it would be my one and only warm winter vaction. We went to a Sandals resort in Jamaica back in the fall of 2001 right after 9/11 happened. Nothing could have kept me off that plane, and even though I only had a couple inches of hair and didn’t look very feminine I had a blast. We met some wonderful people and even keep in touch with some today…ten years later. This trip was just as fun. We met TONS of new friends that I’m sure we’ll stay in touch with for many years to come. TNT were our favourite duo, followed by A & D and D & J….all Canadians! In fact we got along with TNT so well we asked them to be with us on a very special day.

When we planned this trip, I asked my husband if we could renew our wedding vows there. He agreed, and it was such a perfect ceremony. We had a great officiant, a caring wedding planner, excellent photographer, superb photographer #2 (TNT!), and renewed our wedding vows barefoot on the sand with the rowdy St. Lucian waves crashing behind us. We’d been at the resort for five days and had fallen in love with the sound of the pounding waves, despite the fact that most days were a “red flag day”, meaning it’s not safe to swim.  We did have some fun in the ocean, but the waves at the resort were just too dangerous, so we went to another Sandals resort to swim and snorkel in the ocean. I didn’t mind at all because there’s something so romantic about the sound of ocean waves. It’s also very relaxing and exciting at the same time. To see the sheer size of some of them is truly astounding.

My birthday was at the end of our holiday and it was one of the best birthdays, simply because I was still alive and in a beautiful place. Two or three weeks before we left, some friends threw a surprise party for me. Six of us had gone out for supper and they surprised me when we went back to the W residence and all the walls were covered with Happy Birthday balloons. I stood there for quite awhile, digging in the recesses of my pitiful menopausal mind trying to remember whose birthday I’d forgotten. I then decided to admit that I’d forgotten and asked “Whose birthday am I forgetting?”. Turns out it was a party for ME a few weeks early!  The kids ran over with a princess wand, tiara, and gift bags wishing me a happy birthday. I proudly wore my tiara and waved my magic wand around like I was a real princess and then got another excellent, delicious surprise when I saw THE BOX. I recognized the box from last year’s birthday cake surprise (go back one year in this blog for details and pictures!!) and my mouth started watering in anticipation. When the lid was opened, the smooth smell of chocolate and fresh strawberries wafted over me. Oh…it was heaven! It was another work of art by Jena at Sugartree Custom Cakes that tasted just as good as it looked. Even though we were stuffed from supper, we were just like the kids and couldn’t wait to dig in!  

My 2nd, and just as yummy, Sugartree Custom Cake!

The 45^th birthday celebrations started early. The first party was on January 16^th and the second surprise party was on February 20^th so I didn’t have a clue. Turns out my two friends who’d organized the first party thought I deserved to have something bigger and they should “share me with some other people”, so they organized a surprise party at The Keg. Once again I thought it was just us and two other couples going out for supper but when I rounded the corner to the room there was a long table filled with familiar faces, some who had driven hours to be there. My husband’s birthday was coming up and I had a secret up MY sleeve for him, with a cake from Sugartree Custom Cakes. After my first surprise party he said “All I want for MY birthday is one of those cakes!”, so I arranged it for the day were were going to The Keg so the two of us wouldn’t just cut it in half and eat it all ourselves :).  When I saw all the people sitting in the room I assumed it was for my husband’s birthday! Wrong. I celebrated it as if it was a joint birthday celebration but of course I was the only one getting cards and gifts because no one knew about my husband’s birthday until later when I brought out the special birthday cake to sit beside the Safeway cupcake-cake they’d got for the big group! I’d ordered a decadent chocolate cake from Jena at Sugartree and we cut it up first to serve, and ended up sending cupcakes home with almost everyone. Another surprise that evening was that everyone was coming back to OUR house after for a party. I thought it was just us and our 4 friends so I did minimal cleaning. I hope no one noticed all the dust in this place!!

My birthday celebration lasted for about a month and I’ve definitely eaten my share of cake as evidenced by the weight on the scale these days. I’m just itching for spring to arrive so I can get back to doing some gardening and get some of these extra pounds off.

Next task is to get through re-staging tests. Bone Scan and CT scan on the horizon with results to follow that will hopefully show nothing is happening with that new liver tumour we discovered last time. I try not to dwell on it and just enjoy the fact that I’m alive but “test time” is definitely a stressful time for me and my family. Luckily I have other stuff that I need to blog about because I’m so far behind, so hopefully you’ll see something here again very soon. Perhaps I’ll share some fun from the girls scrapbook weekend I just took part in. I swear I won’t share anything personal I heard that weekend, to protect the innocent gaggle who took part J

45 years down, hopefully a lot more to go.   

Me with my tiara!

SAD (seasonal and dejected)

Right about now I should be happy and excited. I’ll soon celebrate my landmark birthday and also go on a warm winter holiday. For some reason all I seem to be able to do is wallow in sadness. All it takes is a memory, a realization, and I’m in a funk. It could be a nasty case of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Maybe I’m just seasonal and dejected. It seems like years since I’ve felt the sun on my face. Spending the entire winter indoors doesn’t help, but I admit that winter is my worst time of year. I’m a big lazy-ass who can’t get my butt out of bed, much less get my butt out of the house. Once I get out I feel so much better. That’s the hardest part – getting my ass out of bed/off the couch and out the door.

I forced myself to leave the house last week and went to the mall two days in a row. Mostly to do some walking where I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about slipping on ice, but also to do some “preliminary shopping”. I cruise the mall checking out the stores and the window displays thinking about where I might want to spend my money. Well, technically it’s not money. It’s gift cards from Christmas and I can’t just dive in and use them right away. I have to make the enjoyment last and think seriously about what I might want to use the gift card for. It felt good to get out of the house, grab a big Booster Juice and then hit the mall to walk some laps and window gawk. Of course I couldn’t go into any stores until I finished my massive Pomegranate Punch (one of the high protein Booster Juices on the menu) because food and drinks aren’t allowed inside clothing stores. It was a good thing too because I wouldn’t have done as much walking as I should have if it wasn’t for the Booster Juice in my mitt.

Getting out of the house helped my mood immensely but now I’m back at spending time indoors after a weekend blizzard blanketed us with over 8 inches of heavy snow. I did venture out of the house for a bit today (Monday Jan 25^th) but only because the fridge was almost completely bare and we needed food. The best part of the day was having some fun with my 4 x 4 in the snow. Now that is something that is guaranteed to put a smile on my face!

I guess I’ll just spit out what has been dragging me down. Firstly, I found out yesterday that one of my new breast cancer friends is going through hell right now. I’ve written about Tasha and Ryan before, but if you haven’t read about them before here’s a little bit of info. Ryan was a pilot and he’s been fighting brain cancer for the last 12 and a half years. Tasha has battled breast cancer (more than once) at a very young age. They are married, have a gorgeous little boy and Ryan’s health took a drastic turn around Christmas/New Year’s. There is nothing more they can do for him and it appears as though the cancer may be winning. I went to Ryan’s blog yesterday and as soon as I saw the title my heart sank. He’s moving to a hospice. At this point he’s still doing very well, but things could change quickly and he needs to be in a place that is safe for him. I’m so moved by Ryan’s writing and how he is feeling, mostly because he is so strong and positive. He admits to being “pissed off” but he has accepted what is most likely going to happen and his wisdom amazes me. I can’t even begin to think about how his wife must be feeling. Reading her blog gives me a sense of it and I think the part that went straight to my heart is thinking that after today she won’t have her husband beside her in bed when she wakes up in the morning.  She has to also deal with all these emotions and changes while being a mom and helping her son through this difficult time too. I’m in awe of her strength and my heart goes out to her.

And today, January 25^th marks one year since the passing of my friend Angie Sather. She lost her battle with breast cancer exactly one year ago at the age of only 32. I still can’t believe she’s gone and what I miss the most is being able to pick up the phone and call her when I’m going through a tough time. And boy do I miss that smile. Angie had the most beautiful smile. I miss her so much and words just can’t adequately explain it. She was there for me in a way that no one ever has been before, and I hope I was able to do the same for her. Even though we didn’t know each other for long, or very well for that matter, we were able to be there for each other during the hardest times. We had each other to call when we needed someone to talk to (which, translated, actually means listen to) about the roughest parts emotionally and physically. Metastatic breast cancer takes such a toll on your physical and mental being and to have someone who really gets what you’re going through is invaluable.  I don’t know if she noticed a pattern in when I called her, but I noticed that she often called me on Sunday nights. We’d be on our way back to the city from a weekend of camping and my cell phone would ring. Angie would be on the line and we’d talk, or I would just listen, for as long as she needed me. To have someone who will do that for you means more than almost anything. It didn’t matter when I called her…she was always there for me too. It went both ways with us and we were able to help each other through some pretty tough times. I’ll never stop missing her, and I’m glad she was in my life. Even though it hurts to lose a friend like her I wouldn’t change a thing because I had the gift of knowing her even for just a little while and she helped me so much through some extremely difficult parts of my cancer battle. I’m thankful for the time she was in my life.

Now that I’ve got what’s been eating me up spilled out on the page I can move on to something much better.

On February 7^th, 2010 I will make it to an age I never thought possible when I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer almost ten years ago. I learned early in my diagnosis that the median survival rate for someone like me with widespread breast cancer is 2.5 years. Initially I thought I’d be happy to make it through 2 and a half years but very quickly I made a personal goal. My goal was to live to be 45 years old. I’ll reach that goal very soon and it’s going to be the best birthday ever. I told my husband I didn’t want a gift this year because making it to 45 was really the only gift I need, along with him being by my side to celebrate it. Normally I’d want him to ignore my request and get me a present, but this time all I really want is to spend that day with him and soak up every single moment of it. That has become even clearer to me knowing what Ryan and Tasha are going through.

It’s a goal no one thought was possible but somehow I’ve been lucky enough to receive. It’s no longer a goal – it’s a gift. A gift of ten more years with my husband, my family, and my friends. What more could anyone ever want?