Cancer gives me another scare…

After two weeks, I’m finally starting to feel good again after battling a cold. It took my husband 4 days to get over it…but 2 weeks later I can’t go anywhere without having a fist full of 3 ply Kleenex!  Everything hits me twice as hard (likely because I have cancer) and I felt like I’d been thrown back into chemo-land. I actually remarked to one of the nurses at the cancer centre that I felt better when I was having chemo, than the way I felt with the cold I had. Maybe in my mind it seems like the chemo was easy because it was almost 9 years ago and the memories have faded. Of course the steriods they jacked me up with made me feel pretty good for a day or two, so maybe that covered up the effects of the chemo. All I know is this cold kicked every bit of energy (mental & physical) I had out of my body. I didn’t leave the couch for many days, lost my appetite, and the only way I could deal with the blinding headache I had was to wear my sunglasses inside the house. It hurt to move my eyeballs. That’s how bad I felt. I felt sicker than I’ve been in a long, long time and it threw me into a funk that once again hit me upside the head to remind me I have cancer. As if I didn’t feel crappy enough with a throat so sore I had problems breathing, all of this also brought all the “cancer crap” back to my mind.

I haven’t told many people about what’s been happening with my health because I didn’t want stuff to get spread around that wasn’t true. Now that I know what’s going on, I CAN tell you how I’m really doing. Here’s some back-story, followed with “how I am” and “how my cancer is”:

Last summer I started to have some excruciating lower back pain. I’d bend over to pick weeds or vegetables in the garden, or bend over to spit out the toothpaste and would have a really difficult time standing back up again. Once I was finally able to slightly straighten my body I was then walking around slightly hunched over, shuffling like Tim Conway to try and get my bones moving again. This went on for several months and after a routine test in the fall I discovered that there was a “hot spot” in my hip. A scan showed increased activity/growth but the doctors couldn’t tell me for sure if it was cancer or if it was just deterioration because the lesion is in an area of movement in the hip. My pain killer meds were doubled and the pain almost instantly disappeared! BUT….was my cancer spreading? I alluded to some issues a little bit when I presented the money for the Lisa Rendall Golf Classic last year at the C95 Radio Marathon but I didn’t want to go into too much detail because I did NOT know what was going on. I didn’t want the wrong information to get spread around, but as it turns out people didn’t hear the entire story (or misunderstood) and I soon got emails from people telling me how sorry they were that my cancer was back/spreading. I had to email back and let them know that this was not the case. The last thing I needed was rumors spreading around that my cancer was back and I was sick.

At the time of my hip pain/issue we also discovered that my liver enzymes were high. That is of great concern because I immediately worry that the cancer is growing again. I had 2 lesions in my liver when I was diagnosed 8+ years ago, but now I only have 1 faint lesion that has stayed the same size. My liver enzymes continued to be elevated and I was put on the urgent list for a CT scan. And then I waited. And waited. Even though I’m “in the system” it wasn’t that urgent that I get in ASAP. After what seemed like an eternity and a lot of internal angst, external bitchiness, and an overwhelming feeling that my freedom was about to come to an abrupt end….I got a date for the CT scan. Of course the worry continued until and after the scan…and until I could see my oncologist to find out the results. The CT scan showed that everything was ok with my liver and the rest of my many cancerous lesions (metastases aka mets) but it discovered a mass on one of my ovaries.

The CT couldn’t tell us that it was cancer or suspicious for cancer, so I was sent for an ultrasound. After the ultrasound the Dr. came in and told me: “it looks like cancer, you’ll likely have to get a biopsy”. I told him that there’d be no biopsy because both ovaries were going to come OUT! After my chemo 8 years ago my oncologist mentioned to me that I should consider having my ovaries removed. I couldn’t even bring myself to think about another surgery after what I’d already been through. I’d already had my neck cut into to have a vertebra removed and replaced with a bone graft from my hip, along with a lumpectomy so I would have done ANYTHING to stay out of the hospital! Instead, I had my ovaries suppressed with an injection that I’d get in the fat of my belly every 28 days. Estrogen is bad for my cancer…it fuels it and makes it grow. My cancer is aggressive as it is, and we needed to shut down the ovaries. The needle every 4 weeks took care of that and kept me in chemically induced menopause, but it appears that perhaps the injection was not enough and there was still estrogen running through my system because even though my ovaries were shut down and my other medication was still keeping my mets stable, I had a tumor on one of my ovaries.

I had both of my ovaries removed the week before Christmas. I found out about the tumor in October but didn’t get in for surgery until December…so that was 2 months of waiting, thinking and stressing. I completely shut down emotionally. I did not want to talk to anyone about what was going on and I internalized all of my fears. I worried that I pissed away the last 8 years and didn’t fully enjoy my life. I was very worried that I’d be going back into chemotherapy. The oncologists that I met with told me the scenarios that may happen with the ovarian tumor. The gyne-oncologist would start the surgery laparoscopically (mininally invasive, small incisions, quicker recovery) and remove the ovary with the tumor. It would be sent to pathology immediately to determine if it was cancerous, and if it was - what kind of cancer. If it was ovarian cancer he’d be cutting me wide open, doing a complete hysterectomy and removing lymph nodes from up the aorta, down the leg, plus other tissue. That option would mean a much longer recovery and a definite return to chemotherapy.

The second scenario was based around the tumor being breast cancer. If it tested positive that it was breast cancer, he would continue on laparoscopically and remove the other ovary and stitch me back up. I was also told that I would be going back into chemotherapy if it was breast cancer. The third, and best option was that the tumor could turn out to be benign (not cancer). I can tell you that I didn’t get the best case scenario, and the tumor WAS CANCER. It was breast cancer. I was numb. I did not want to go back into chemo. I was scared of going down the slippery slope I’ve seen friends go down once their cancer starts to progress and not respond to treatment. The thoughts that went through my mind kept me in my state of depression and anger. Of course complete pathology had to be done, so we waited for those results and then met with my oncologist.

The day I walked into the cancer centre to find out the final pathology results and what my treatment plan would be I was so snarky I told my husband he was to bring a book with him to read because I would NOT be talking to him. We each sat there with our books in hand waiting for the appointment and I don’t know if either one of us really absorbed what we read or were even able to concentrate on it. I know I just stared at the words on the page and was filled with hate for cancer. I was worried what my reaction was going to be to the pathology and treatment recommendations…in fact I thought I may go ballistic and have to be restrained and sedated. Honest to God - I have never been so scared in my life. You’d think that I’d be used to this by now after what I’ve already gone through, but the first time around when I was diagnosed was all so easy. You may find that a crazy thing for me to say, but in looking back I realize it WAS easy because there was no waiting, therefore there was no time to think! It’s the thinking that gets you in trouble. My diagnosis was a shock, but I was hospitalized at the time and had surgery fairly quickly, followed by radiation and chemo. All that was a blur and it seemed to happen so fast that I didn’t have time to worry. This time around was a lot different.

Ok, on to the results! It turns out that the cancer on my ovary was the same breast cancer I’ve been fighting for the last 8 years. There’s no way to know how long it was there (it was growing behind the ovary & wasn’t easily visible), but it was contained to the ovary and had not spread. This saved my arse and I didn’t have to go back into chemo. All my other mets had not grown. They were still stable. All we did was add another medication to my treatment regimen to further stop estrogen in my system. I started on Tamoxifen at the end of January. Even though I don’t have ovaries, the female body still produces estrogen in the adrenal glands, the liver and it can collect/hang out in body fat, so we needed to block it. Tamoxifen has a 25 year track record and I agreed to go on it. It wasn’t until I went on Tamoxifen that I discovered many of my metastatic friends had been on it since diagnosis.

I’m being followed very closely with more frequent testing this year and I hope that this cancer crap is under control again. I walked into the cancer centre a very angry, despondent person and walked out like I was skipping on the clouds. The weight that was lifted from my mind was immense. No chemo. Just a pill. Watch me closely. I can live with that.

I don’t LOOK like I have cancer, but I do. It’s incurable and it’s what very likely will end my life. I have fought for over 8 years and I’m not ready to give up yet. I’ve still got my boxing gloves and hope I’m the one who gets the TKO, not the cancer. Please continue to give money to breast cancer research. There are so many new treatments being developed and maybe we will eventually find a cure. If you plan on entering my golf tournament, this year it’s even more important to me that you print off your donation sheets and collect donations. I’m fighting for my life. I need your help. Thousands of women in this world are fighting for their lives, and many are losing the battle. Since September I’ve lost 2 young friends to breast cancer. Breast cancer happens to women of ALL ages, and it can happen to you…even if you’re young. I met a girl in Dallas who was diagnosed at the age of 16. I have friends who were diagnosed at 26. It does happen, and it shouldn’t be happening to all these young women who have their entire lives ahead of them. A woman who is in her 60’s or 70’s is still too young in my opinion!

So PLEASE…I need you more than ever this year for the Lisa Rendall Golf Classic. Collect donations for breast cancer research with your official form and you’ll go home from the tournament with some AWESOME PRIZES! The event coordinator this year is working her tail off and there will be a lot of great prizes. All you gotta do is collect a little bit of money to “save the boobies”. Every single cent counts! Let me put it this way: if every one of the golfers collected 100 dollars, imagine how much money we’d raise! It all goes to breast cancer research and it stays here in Saskatchewan. Look for your entry form here next week and help us “drive for a cure”. Help give me hope…it’s all I’ve got.