Snow or get off the pot!

Slender Blue Beardtongue along Cameron Lake Road, Waterton. 2009

Everywhere I went today, all I heard was “Christmas is one month away from today!”. Sure doesn’t feel like it here in Saskatchewan. Just last week we had record-breaking temperatures for a couple of days, hitting 13 degrees celcius. It’s not that warm today, but it certainly doesn’t feel like the last week of November usually feels on the prairies. It seems to me that once Halloween arrives we have a light blanket of snow and by the last week of November there’s usually a couple inches of snow on the ground. I can’t honestly say I love winter. It is a beautiful time of year, but it’s COLD and miserable some days. Most days I can appreciate the beauty that a sunny winter day brings. The suns rays sparkle off the snow like millions of tiny diamonds and after a foggy night the hoar frost calls me to grab my camera, get outside and take some pictures of winter beauty.

As of today, I can say I’m READY FOR IT TO SNOW! It looks like early spring with everything so gray and brown and the colors are depressing. A dusting of snow would cover up the blah and make it beautiful - and at least seem like Christmas is one month away. I am, however, enjoying getting my Christmas shopping done without having to worry about driving on icy streets, scraping ice and snow off my windshield, and my fresh fruits and veggies getting frostbite on the trip from the store door to the vehicle! 

I don’t have much Christmas shopping left, but the Christmas tree and Christmas decorations for the house haven’t been put up yet. The plan is to do that this weekend. After I dust ;)  

I’d much rather be waiting for spring to arrive so I can venture out on photography expeditions, enjoy camping, swimming, and lots of lake time. And to be back in shorts and tank tops instead of scarves and gloves (just realized that sounds like I don’t wear anything but scarves and gloves!). I needed to get a little bit of color into my blog today and wildflowers, or any flowers for that matter, are the way to go. I love taking shots of flowers in my garden but I really enjoy taking photos of flowers in the wild. I often come back to the campsite and spend an hour and a half just looking back at the photos on my camera….deleting blurry shots and writing notes in my photo journal as to where all the photos were taken so I’ll remember when it comes time to scrapbook them or just print them out for an album.

The photo at the top of today’s entry was one of many I took of wildflowers on our summer holiday at Waterton International Peace Park. Thanks to my journal entries and a handy reference book I was able to identify most of the wildflowers I took photos of. Today with the gray sky I need to see a little bit of sunshine and summer. If Mother Nature would just bring us some snow I could really get into the decorating spirit, maybe even listen to my extensive collection of Christmas CD’s!

Spring is now only 4-5 months away so I won’t have to wait long for my wildflowers. How long will we have to wait for snow though?!

Limo Talk

In my quest to blog on a regular basis I struggled tonight to think of something to write. Only moments ago I was falling asleep while trying to write an email. Matter of fact I did fall asleep….I woke up with a few lines of: kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Obviously my finger fell asleep when I did!

Many days I feel guilty because I don’t get much accomplished in a day. Wake up at noon (or 1 or 2pm). Watch Oprah, Dr. Oz, Ellen, Dr. Phil if it’s not too trashy, sometimes The Doctors. Depends on how much time I spend on the couch before I feel so guilty that I haven’t really done anything so I get up and maybe put away the dishes in the dishwasher. I feel useless, guilty, and totally lacking ambition and thought I was the only one. Until the ride to the airport on Sunday after the Breast Fest Film Festival in Toronto.

My husband and I were sharing a car to the airport with two young women who’d got scholarships to attend the film festival. One of them asked me “What do you do with your spare time Lisa?”. I honestly said “Sleep in. Watch Oprah, Ellen and pretty much anything else on TV”. I was sitting in the middle of the back seat with each woman on either side of me and as I answered the question truthfully they both said “Me too!”. They are younger than me, have less disease than I do, and I believe they both still work. But you know I felt so good knowing I’m not the only one who seems to totally lack energy most days. It seems I just can’t get anything accomplished until after 3pm. Maybe the reason for that is because my husband will be home in a little over an hour so I figure I have to do something to make it look like I’ve been doing anything but laying on the couch watching TV and playing on the computer.

I think the reason I feel guilty is that I am always saying you should ”live each day to the fullest”. Is laying on the couch watching all the daytime talk shows living life to it’s fullest? Not in my books. When I expressed these feelings to Donna and Debbie in the back of the airport limo they told me that whatever I feel like doing  is living life to it’s fullest. It’s whatever makes me happy. Ellen DeGeneres always makes me happy. Oprah has her days, but she’s no comedian with goofy games/contests and joking around with guests and that’s what I need. Something to make me feel happy. I admit to liking the new Dr. Oz show because I’m learning a lot about the human body. Who else talks openly about POOP and answers all kinds of embarrassing questions?

The Doctors answer embarrassing questions, but Dr. Oz has a way of explaining how the human body works. Just yesterday (Nov 24) he addressed the hot topic of whether women 40-50 should get mammograms, and whether women should be doing BSE (breast self exams). A panel released this news last week and it resulted in a lot of angry women all over the world. Dr. Oz had a great demonstration of the difference between the breasts of a young woman (say 20-50) a woman in her 50’s or 60’s and then even a picture of a much older woman’s breasts. The difference in the mammogram view was stunning. It is very difficult to see suspicious areas in dense breasts that younger women tend to have with a mammogram, but they DO catch things. Ultrasound and breast MRI offer much better views.  BSE saves so many women’s lives. Dr. Oz showed a graph depicting how the death rate from breast cancer has fallen over the last 20 years. I think it’s fallen because of better testing methods, better medications, and the main reason I think it’s fallen is because of BSE! Women feel or notice something different in their breast, hence finding it early and getting treatment long before the cancer is too widespread to save their lives. Please do your breast self exam (the week AFTER your period…your breasts are different at “that time of the month”), and discuss mammography with your family physician when you have your annual check-up. Have your doctor do a breast exam, and be sure to get your Pap Test too. It’s a simple test that can find pre-cancerous cells which can be treated before they develop into cervical cancer. A simple laser procedure is much better than chemo don’t you think? Get your Pap test!!!

So, is laying around all day watching TV living life to it’s fullest? I still don’t think so and I don’t know that I will ever stop feeling guilty about that. But sitting in the back of the car with those other two young women made me realize that I’m not the only one who’s doing it…and enjoying it! That’s one thing about cancer. When you’re going through chemo and radiation you spend a lot of time on the couch or in bed and you watch a LOT of TV. You should have heard the conversation the three of us were having about the reality shows we’ve found ourselves watching! I thought I was the only one who seems to watch almost anything that’s reality based TV. I found myself answering questions about what happened last week on Survivor. You’d think we all knew these people intimately by the way we were talking about them and knew their first names! That limo driver must have wondered what the hell kind of young women he had in his car My husband sat in the front and likely was fairly enlightened by the conversation, as I was. I’m not the only one who watches a lot of TV!! Do you know how good that makes me feel? What a silly thing to find common ground on, but we did,  and just knowing that someone else spends a lot of time with the remote in their hand made me feel better about the days I spend doing just that. Even when I’m OFF the couch I have the TV on and watch it while I do housework, which by the way isn’t that often.

 Right now I’ve got a layer of dust on everything that is so disgusting. I’ve written my name in the dust on the bedroom dresser and it’s already filled in with new dust! I don’t do much housework during the summer because I spend so much time out in my garden. Summer is long gone but I still haven’t got in the groove of trying to keep the house spotless. It’s not one of my favorite activities. I used to hate it when I lived at home and it was one of my weekly chores. I used to write in the dust on the piano (hmmm I see a pattern here!) and it would always be something goofy like “Lisa was here. 1200 B.C.” I was trying to make that dust look really old, when in reality it had only been a week since I’d done it. When you live on Railway Avenue with the trains and grain trucks and other small town traffic driving by all week the house gets pretty dusty!! I’m not on Railway anymore, but sometimes I wonder if I’m having a childhood flashback. Where the H does all this dust come from??! Likely from my kitchen floor….which has a mighty heavy covering of it too!

A breast cancer friend stopped by today and as I was sitting on the steps talking to her I noticed the dust on the bottom of the bannister area going down the stairs. I apologized for the dust and started to stretch my feet out to “dust” it off with my socks. My friend said “You only see it when the sun shines in!”. When the sun shines into my house the cat is curled up in a ball loving every minute of it, and I can see the heavy layer of dust everywhere. It’s on my list of things to do this week. Dust, dust, and dust some more. Dust away the guilt. Why feel guilty over doing nothing? I’m 44 years old and I can damn well do whatever I please with my day! If that happens to be laying on the couch watching TV then so be it. Who’s gonna stop me?

I wonder though if I’d be making an effort to do the dusting this week if my parents weren’t coming to stay this weekend? Oh there’s nothing like company coming to get my butt in gear to clean the house  It will be close to spotless by the weekend and maybe I can do a better job at trying to keep it that way for the remainder of the winter. A girl with cancer can always dream….

“I don’t Live with Cancer, Cancer Lives with me” - Published version

Earlier this year I was asked by Living Beyond Breast Cancer (based out of Philadelphia) to write an article about how I have coped with living with metastatic breast cancer for nine years. I sat down one sunny Friday afternoon with my laptop when I was out camping, and next thing I knew I had over 2000 words! Living Beyond Breast Cancer needed only 550 words so there was a LOT of editing to be done Then in September I was contacted by the editor of our local paper The Saskatoon Star Phoenix, to write a guest column for a special pink edition they were printing. I readily agreed and sent him my original 2,000 word draft, and the 550 word edit. He’d told me in advance he couldn’t use the long version but wanted to see both articles I’d written. I was shocked when I heard back that he changed his mind after reading it and he wanted the long version. I was even more shocked to see it on the FRONT COVER of the paper (above the fold) the day they published the pink version of the paper on Wednesday October 7th. I promised I would post it here and the time has come! In case you didn’t read it on-line or in the Star Phoenix here’s the long version, basically as it was published on October 7, 2009. The title of the article is the title of the presentation I do at conferences etc.

I Don’t Live with Cancer: Cancer Lives with Me. How Saskatoon woman stayed sane during 9 year battle with Metastatic Breast Cancer. 

By Lisa Rendall

An excerpt from this article was previously published in the fall 2009 issue of Insight, the quarterly newsletter of Living Beyond Breast Cancer http://www.lbbc.org/data/newsletter/LBBCfall09justformeabc.pdf

At 35 I learned I had metastatic breast cancer in an extremely unusual way. Debilitating neck pain had me flat on my back in bed and a neck x-ray showed the problem. A collapsed vertebra in my neck, which, according to the emergency room doctors  meant I’d been hit by a truck or there was some kind of cancer eating at me from the inside. A CT scan showed a lump in my left breast growing in toward the chest wall, undetectable - even by feel - to the doctor’s skilled hands. The shock that overcame me when I was told I had breast cancer that had spread to other areas of my body is indescribable. It didn’t compute in my brain. I came into the hospital with a sore neck and you’re telling me I have breast cancer? Looking back now, 9 years later, I don’t think I understood the seriousness of my diagnosis until six months later.

Let’s face it, we’re like all other animals on this planet. We have a fight or flight response. Danger presents itself and we either fight or run for our lives. I couldn’t run from stage 4 breast cancer, so I put up my dukes and instinctively went into fight mode. To make a long story short, I was in a halo (not the angelic kind!) for 3 months, had surgery to repair my neck and underwent radiation and then chemotherapy and Herceptin every week for six months. Through all of this I was upbeat, happy, and a support for everyone around me. However, once chemo was done I fell into depression. I was filled with fear, panic, sadness and sheer terror at the fact that I had incurable cancer. Why had it hit me now, six months after the diagnosis?!

I was so fortunate to have a husband who stood true to his wedding vows, and a great medical team that surrounded me and genuinely cared about me. My oncologist told me I needed to talk to a social worker and one at the cancer centre soon met with me. She became the first ingredient in the recipe to my sanity and she’s still counselling me nine years later. Having a professional counsellor of some kind to talk to means you can say anything you want and no one will take it the wrong way or try to trivialize what you’re saying and feeling. My social worker helped me understand that everything I was thinking was perfectly normal.

While I was going through treatment I took part in a journaling support group. It was a support group that showed us different ways of dealing with a metastatic diagnosis. We listened to relaxation and visualization tapes and did artistic exercises with different media. After completing some of my projects all I had to do was look at it and I was amazed at how my feelings affected the artwork at the time I made it.

This support group was the first time I was exposed to others who were in a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Along with the pain that comes with losing these new friends came the harsh understanding that not everyone lives. I had to learn to deal with the deaths of cancer friends and how to then deal with the subsequent panic and fear that would hit me about my own mortality. My social worker was there for me when I needed her. I can’t stress it enough. Every cancer patient is assigned a social worker. It costs you nothing financially and is a service available to the patient and all family members

July 20^th, 2009 marked the 9^th anniversary of my diagnosis with metastatic breast cancer and as I look back I know what kept me sane through all of the ups and downs. I have always been a type A control freak; the wrong kind of person to get cancer. There’s nothing I can do to control the situation or what happens to me. I cannot change my diagnosis. I learned pretty fast that I had to find a way to feel like I was in control. At the time the only thing that made me feel like I was doing something to help myself was to raise money for breast cancer research. I hoped it would help me, but I also knew it would help others who would follow in my footsteps. I told my story on radio and television and in newspapers and magazines and I started my own fundraising golf tournament. I didn’t know anything about golf and I still don’t golf, but I knew that golf tournaments were popular fundraisers for charities. With the help of my mom we put on the first Lisa Rendall Golf Classic and raised 4 thousand dollars. It grew year by year and over the past 9 years we’ve raised well over $300,000 for breast cancer research. Putting my energy and focus into something like a fundraiser gave me a feeling of control, and looking back at it now I realize it also distracted me from wallowing in my own self pity.

Here’s how I stayed sane through nine years of metastatic breast cancer.

Along with talking to a professional, talk to others who are going through a similar diagnosis. The connection between two people who really understand what each other is going through gives you real assurance that what you’re feeling is normal.

When you can’t shut down your brain at night or have non-stop thoughts of sadness and panic going through you, grab a pen and paper or get to your computer and write it all down. Even if all you do is type out four letter words over and over (I’ve done it!) to get the frustration out, it will help. Write everything you are thinking and feeling. Walk away when you’re done. Do not read what you wrote or you’ll get yourself right back where you started. Just pour it out, save it (or in the case of a hand-written journal, put it in a safe place) and walk away. You can go back months or years later and read what you wrote and you’ll have a whole new insight into what you were going through and feeling.

Do little things for yourself that make you happy. This could be as simple as buying yourself a single stem of your favourite flower while you’re getting groceries or going for a pedicure with friends.

Help others. By getting involved in a breast cancer charity or cause you will help yourself and others in dealing with, and ultimately beating, this disease. Talk to others in the chemo chair next to you. Just by sharing your story you will help someone.

Have a sense of humour. Don’t be afraid to laugh! Just because you have a life threatening illness doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time! Watch a funny movie, get together with friends who make you laugh, or just allow yourself to laugh with your family and friends. Going to see a movie takes you away from your own life. I love reading but I found when I was at my low points my concentration wouldn’t allow me to read a book without my mind taking me away from the page. I couldn’t even read a paragraph without having to re-read it because my mind wandered off.

Get enough sleep. When I’m going through a rough patch the worst time seems to be at night, laying in bed. Trying to shut down your brain so you can sleep often seems impossible.  Gravol sometimes helps you fall asleep, but if you need something stronger don’t be afraid to talk with your physician. Sleep is a great healer. I listen to a sleep CD that takes me through body and mind relaxation exercises (Sound Sleep Solutions) and it’s made a huge impact on my sleeping.

Recognize that it’s normal and OK to have “down” days. You are entitled to a good cry! Let it out. Keeping it bottled up inside only makes it worse. If you feel like screaming take a drive out into the country and go for it. The first time I did this I actually started laughing after I screamed. The sound of my scream was so funny that I broke into laughter and found myself driving back with a smile on my face.

Find and rediscover things that make you happy.  You can immerse yourself in gardening, baking, or having friends over for coffee. As women (and especially mothers) we often don’t find time to do things for ourselves. Make an effort to find time for you. If you have a pet, take time to play with it and laugh. Go somewhere and play with or watch kittens or puppies. Baby animals and animals in general have a soothing effect and almost always put a smile on your face.

Always have things to look forward to. This can be as simple as looking forward to seeing your favourite spring flower, staying in a hotel nearby for a night, house-sitting for a friend, or if you can afford it and your health allows – plan a vacation. Living in Canada I had always wanted to go on a warm winter vacation so when I got the go-ahead from my oncologist we planned a trip to a resort we’d dreamed of.  It was that first trip that made me realize I needed to have things to look forward to and plan for.

Do things you’ve always wanted to do, or things you’ve never done before, even if they seem silly. I didn’t grow up on a farm so when the opportunity arose to feed a baby calf I went for it and loved every minute. Simple things in life give such great joy.

Learn about your disease. Educating yourself gives you knowledge about this whole new world you’ve been thrown into unwillingly. Gaining knowledge about your disease will give you power and will help you when you are working with your medical team. If you are well-informed you’ll know you’re doing everything you can in your battle.

Get to know your medical team. I mean REALLY know them. Ask about their life and their family, and talk about your own. They’ll see you as a person, not a number and will care more about you. Get to know the staff at your cancer treatment centre that you encounter on a regular basis - from the receptionist to phlebotomy (blood drawing). Write a note of thanks, bring in home baking or pick something up. Let them know the difference they are making in your life. The bonus is that you’ll feel good doing it. On a warm sunny day I picked up some cold slush drinks and took them to the nurses in chemo.

Find others in a similar situation. No one will understand you better than someone going through the same thing. With today’s technology you can find someone to connect with via email if there’s no one in your area.  Create your own buddy system for times when you are scared or sad and need someone who REALLY knows what you’re going through. Be a good listener for them when they need you. You don’t need someone to offer advice, you just need someone to listen and someone you can trust.

Try a new hobby. It’s never too late to learn how to knit or take a pottery class. The creative outlet will bring out another side of you and you’ll have great home-made gifts to give. Grab your digital camera and take it with you everywhere. Take photos that will live on and create lasting memories for you and your family. Enter a photography contest! I took up two new hobbies. I joined the local horticultural associations and started entering my flowers and vegetables in the annual competition. The thrill of my first ribbon is indescribable. I also got into scrapbooking and making my own cards. Take a beginners class and pretty soon you’ll be hooked. You can scrapbook photos of your own life or those of your children…heck you can scrapbook anything!

Try your best to stay positive but realize it’s normal to have bad days. My husband and I say that cancer lives with us – we don’t live with cancer. Looking at the situation in a different light can make all the difference and help you live a full and rewarding life even though you may be fighting for every moment of it.

Breast Cancer Blogs by the MILLIONS

Well, Jenna from the writing workshop in Toronto over the weekend wasn’t kidding. There are a LOT of breast cancer blogs. When I Googled “breast cancer blogs” I got 28,100,000 results. That may not mean there are exactly 28 million 100 thousand blogs about breast cancer but in just a few hours on the internet tonight I found five that are really well done and include a lot of information. Many of them are blogs from young women who were diagnosed in 2009 so they are writing as they are going through diagnosis and treatment. Imagine if I’d been doing that for nine years…I’d have a book! Crap. Why didn’t I?!

I didn’t blog about it because 9 years ago I didn’t even have email at home! Our computer was so crappy we couldn’t get on the internet, and let’s face it…we didn’t have the technology we do today. I wish I HAD the capability to blog back then. It would have been so easy to keep friends and relatives up to date on how I was feeling, how treatments were going, and an outlet to express myself if I felt like it. And, it would have been a lot easier than writing an email and then sending it out to so many people in different batches. I’ve added a new section to my “Info & Resources” page. You’ll now find a list of blogs there relating to breast cancer. Tonight alone I found five really good ones, all from very young women (22-38). Many of them were diagnosed this year. A couple of them were diagnosed in 2007 so all of the information they share just might help you greatly as  you go through your battle. I’m going to continue to search out, read, and post blogs I feel offer something helpful on my “Info & Resources” page.

I also found out today the documentary I’m featured  in (About Her) will eventually be posted on the website I’m featured on, which is www.tellher2.ca. All you’ve been able to see recently is the trailer for the documentary. The entire thing will be up there at some point. I’ll keep you up to date! In the meantime I have a DVD copy of the film and am trying to figure out how I could “show it”. Is it even worth doing a show on a big theatre screen somewhere in town as a fundraiser when the documentary is only 16 minutes long? Suggestions and ideas are welcome!

Best part of all is that I have now blogged for two days in a row!! Jenna would be so proud

Breast Fest is the BEST - let’s blog about it!

As I’m writing this I realize I should be in bed because I’m so exhausted, but after taking part in a writing seminar in Toronto this weekend I know I should write when I feel like it. And I feel like it now. Even though my body is crying out “Please take it easy on me lady!”. What a weekend. I can’t even begin to fully describe all the events and happenings in Toronto this weekend right now because I know I’d be writing all night or more likely - fall asleep in mid-blog in less than half an hour. I’ll write more in the next couple of days about the weekend’s events and experiences but first I just wanted to post that it was SURREAL to see myself on a massive movie screen IN A MOVIE. Holy shit. Un-f-ing believable. Dream come true! How many people can actually say they’ve been in a movie? Many of us aspire to be a famous actress or singer. If you read my previous posting you know that I certainly did. I can’t sing worth a shit but I do have a personality (so I’m told) that must be entertaining enough to be included in a piece of film that will make a difference in the lives of so many Her2+ breast cancer patients, and breast cancer fighters of all stripes (or should that be scars?).

It was a documentary so I was not acting, and it was only 16 mins long but I was IN it along with 4 other women who have been through experiences harder than what I’ve gone through even though I’m stage 4 and they may be an earlier stage. If you’re a mother try imagining this: breastfeeding your 4 month old baby til one hour before you start your first chemo. Then your baby can no longer breastfeed. What a rude, heartbreaking awakening for that baby and mother. But we do what we’ve gotta do as cancer patients and many times we don’t like it but we understand that we have to do it to survive and be there for the people we love, the children we have given birth to and want to be there for, over the course of a lifetime.

Imagine your husband having a brain tumor, and then finding out you have breast cancer - and you’ve got a toddler. I’d be insane. Tasha Engel has been in this situation and is the most bubbly, sweet, upbeat young woman I’ve met for the situations she’s had to go through over the years. You can find out more about Tasha and her husband by reading their blogs. www.tashaengel.blogspot.com and you’ll learn more about this courageous couple. Her husband Ryan has a blog as well…you can find a link to it directly from Tasha’s blog.

At the writing workshop I took in this weekend at the 2nd Annual Breast Fest Film Festival in Toronto (Ontario, Canada) the professional writer, writing coach and editor Jenna Kalinsky told us she searched for “breast cancer blogs” and got over 25 MILLION results. At first I though perhaps I shouldn’t even bother if there are so many, but Jenna was quick to point out that, and I quote, “There is always room for more”. People diagnosed with and affected by breast cancer have a hunger for information and want to know how others are dealing with their illness. They want information, and need to know they are not alone. If you find someone you can really relate to, or who affects you with their writing and their story then it’s worth it.

Jenna had us write two different pieces at the workshop. It was very quick, but man was it productive. After we finished we were put together in groups of 4 to read one of the things we’d written. I don’t know what happened in the other groups, but in my group all four of us were in tears as we read one of our writings. I cried as soon as the first young woman started reading what she’d written because she was brave enough to share at the start of the workshop that she had started writing initially when she was diagnosed. She sent an email to her friends letting them know she had breast cancer and that she’d be entering treatment & keeping them up to date with emails. She got responses from some of her so-called “friends” who told her she should NOT write about it. She stopped writing because of that and I’m sure it has damaged her. She’s now recovering because she’s been given back the freedom to express herself. She had been SET FREE and was free to express her emotions and her feelings. Writing is therapy. Good therapy. And it should never be stifled. Especially by those who are supposed to be your friends. I hope you run a LOT of pens dry or rub the letters off the keys! You know who you are

After attending the workshop with Jenna, I made a promise to myself that I would be better at blogging and writing in general. I will strive to write on a frequent basis and make the time to do it. Jeez I hope I keep my promise to myself! Life gets in the way, there’s always something on tv and there’s always something interesting on Facebook or just cruising the internet. You can spend hours watching videos on You Tube (I’ve done it). For me it’s great therapy because I can find things that make me laugh or smile and they’re mostly cat or other animal videos. But I generally don’t spend a lot of time on You Tube. Maybe I should. Maybe I should film myself and put it on You Tube. Several people told me that this weekend. They said I had such a great personality and I should put it out there.  The most encouraging was my niece who is a 34 year old film editor, working on major projects. The wonderful things she said about my personality and that I should put stuff on You Tube really got me thinking. But I have to think on that some more. Maybe I’ll start with putting my cat on there and gradually move up! My cat is a star in his own right on my Facebook page. He has his own albums and has a lot of followers, especially during the summer when he takes roadtrips with us. He is “Toonses the Driving Cat”. He’s got some excellent travel pictures on my FB page (2 years worth of travels!) but his best talent is what I taught him. He will roll over for Whiska’s Temptations. I tried to find a place to submit the video to Whiskas but didn’t have any luck. Who needs a fake video of a cat running through walls (special effects!!!) when you could have a cat who ROLLS OVER like a dog for his Whiskas?! My first goal is to get it to Ellen DeGeneres because she believes black and white cats are smarter than other cats and she’s right. Toonses is black and white. And he rolls over on command.

I’ve started a You Tube account, now I just gotta figure out how to upload my video. Maybe I’ll find the guts to put myself on there. Maybe I won’t. But I will be doing more writing. It may not be here on the blog, as personal journalling isn’t for you to read. It’s for ME, and only me. Therapy to help me continue to deal with what living with metastatic breast cancer brings me. A place to get the scary thoughts out of my head by writing them down and setting them free. Maybe even writing about my battle with this disease. How about a book? Is it possible? I said at our first Radio Marathon in 200o that I was thinking about writing a book about my breast cancer story. I’m still thinking. I have, however, done a lot of journalling over the course of 9 years. Most of it when I was going through chemo and having problems getting sad scary thoughts out of my head at night. I couldn’t shut down my brain and go to sleep so I would write out what I was thinking on the computer to get it out of me so I could hopefully go back to sleep. I wish I’d kept a journal the entire time I was going through this because it would reveal so much to me now…9 years post diagnosis with a fading memory. However, Jenna in the writing workshop said that writing gets our cerebral cortex really firing. Maybe I can help my memory in the process?!

Look for posts on the quick writings I did at the writers workshop here in the near future, and I’m also going to post an article of mine that was published in the local paper in a special breast cancer edition. It’s actually the original article I wrote when I was asked to write a piece for Living Beyond Breast Cancer. They needed 550 words. My first draft was over 2,000. The paper used the first version after I’d edited it to my satisfaction. I guess I don’t have a problem writing something. I just have to make time, and that’s a new goal. Please email me and kick my ass if I don’t do it! I don’t even know if anyone reads this and it doesn’t really matter I guess. But, when I’m gone it will remain and that’s really attractive to someone like me who may not have much more time left.

I’m in a MOVIE!

Yes, an old dream is becoming reality - in a way. Doesn’t every little girl want to grow up and be a movie star or a famous singer? I did. I was in many school plays and even won a Best Actress award in high school one year, but my movie debut has nothing to do with acting. It’s all about how I have fought metastatic breast cancer for the last 9 years, along with 4 other young Canadian women.

We all have a very aggressive form of breast cancer. It’s breast cancer that is Her2 positive. Only about 20 percent of breast cancer patients over-express the Her2 gene and it’s a very aggressive breast cancer. Herceptin is a drug that just celebrated it’s 10th anniversary of being available here in Canada for stage 4 breast cancer patients like me. Herceptin is a monoclonal antibody that helps to stop the spread of the cancer (lay person explanation!) and it has improved the lives of many women even though it has not saved them all. I’ve lost friends who were Her2+ and getting Herceptin but the cancer got too smart and the drugs didn’t work anymore. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop for me….wondering when my time will come….but for now I just have to continue to LIVE as best as I can.

In the summer of 2009 I was interviewed by a film crew (in HD!) in Calgary, where 2 other young women were also interviewed. In total the crew filmed 5 young Canadian women and used some of the interview clips for a new website designed for Canadians affected by Her2+ breast cancer. You can see them at www.TellHER2.com.

The film crew also interviewed us with the intention that they may make a documentary with some of the footage. At the time of filming it was going to be about 10 minutes long. It’s now finished and is 16 minutes long and will premiere at the Breast Fest Film Festival in Toronto November 19-22, 2009, presented by Rethink Breast Cancer.

I’m going to be walking the pink carpet in Toronto with the other four women featured in this documentary and we’ll all see it for the first time on the BIG SCREEN! I’ve seen the trailer for the film and I’m worried that perhaps I’m the ‘comic relief’ of the entire film. I hope they included something serious that I said. I hope I said something serious! I’ll find out along with everyone else on November 20th in Toronto.

I’m also very excited to be doing media interviews for the website, and the film festival, and to be featured on a panel after one of the films on Saturday afternoon. The documentary I’m in opens the Film Festival Friday night. You can see the trailer by going to www.tellher2.com, and clicking on the page that says “The Documentary” (it’s on the top right hand side of the website).

The name of the documentary is “About Her”. It’s about five of us young Canadian women who are fighting tooth and nail for our lives, praying that Herceptin will keep working for us and that if our cancer ever gets smart enough to over-power the drug that we will have another option and continue to lead happy, productive lives while feeling half decent. If you’re in Toronto come and see the film! If you’re not - at least check out the website with the clips, along with the trailer for the film.

It may not be the kind of movie I dreamed of being in when I was a little girl, but it feels just as good to have been involved in a project like this and have my story live on in some small way.

See the trailer for the documentary by Phyllis Ellis here: http://www.tellher2.com/the-documentary/